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FMLs submitted from California

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

#21359908
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30627) - you deserved it (2568)

On 02/20/2015 at 4:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

#21359722
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33405) - you deserved it (4565)

On 02/20/2015 at 8:35am - love - by FunGhoost - United States (California)

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

#21357563
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15594) - you deserved it (35602)

On 02/16/2015 at 8:04pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

#21355556
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36211) - you deserved it (2613)

On 02/13/2015 at 8:43pm - misc - by DumbFace714 - United States (California)

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

#21354181
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29792) - you deserved it (9312)

On 02/11/2015 at 4:07pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

#21350975
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32639) - you deserved it (2108)

On 02/06/2015 at 3:10pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

#21350891
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37841) - you deserved it (2883)

On 02/06/2015 at 11:56am - love - by that guy - United States (California)

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

#21350418
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32511) - you deserved it (7792)

On 02/05/2015 at 3:42pm - misc - by m33p - United States (California)

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

#21347069
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29562) - you deserved it (6070)

On 01/30/2015 at 11:04pm - intimacy - by The Soul Of A Damned Queef (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

#21346806
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30683) - you deserved it (2249)

On 01/30/2015 at 1:11pm - misc - by lonesomegal (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

#21346746
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28687) - you deserved it (8270)

On 01/30/2015 at 10:11am - intimacy - by Chemist-why (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the local park for some romantic time together. By the time we left, I'd been called a pedo and a cradle robber, and been given several dirty looks. I'm 31. My boyfriend is 30 and just very baby-faced. FML

#21345623
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31379) - you deserved it (2717)

On 01/28/2015 at 2:28pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was getting a haircut. During the haircut, the barber cut her hand. She hesitated for a minute then continued to run her hands through and cut my hair with her bloody fingers. FML



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