FMLs submitted from California

Today, my boss of six months asked me what country I'm from. I'm white and from the southern United States. I'm so quiet, he didn't think I spoke English. FML

by Macysdayparade8 / 12/08/2015 at 11:01pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom told me that when I choked on a tortilla chip yesterday, she was seriously planning on cutting my neck open and sticking a straw in it if I didn't stop, because she saw someone do it on 'E.R.'. Now I'm scared to have an emergency around her. FML

by meg__1798 / 12/08/2015 at 9:08pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I turned to face the cashier at the supermarket, I managed to knock over an entire display of gift cards with my backpack. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2015 at 9:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

by shitlicker / 12/07/2015 at 11:38pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

by princess / 12/07/2015 at 9:12am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2015 at 1:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

by shake666 / 12/04/2015 at 12:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

by Anon / 12/04/2015 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told that the cutoff date for dropping out of one of my classes was last Friday. Which would have been fine if the school website had the right information when I checked it last Friday. They're ignoring my screenshots proving as such. FML

by juniorleo / 12/03/2015 at 3:23pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

by turtles_yup / 12/03/2015 at 12:50am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

by Makusu420 / 12/02/2015 at 7:44pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

by shotdown / 12/02/2015 at 3:45pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I asked my dad why the Wi-fi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

by horno / 12/02/2015 at 3:18pm / United States (California) / Intimacy