FMLs submitted from California

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

by zzarzzur / 12/29/2015 at 4:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

by FMeRight? / 12/28/2015 at 3:15pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

by ThreeWeeksWithoutSex / 12/28/2015 at 12:43am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2015 at 12:08pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

by ChaoticGamer / 12/23/2015 at 10:15am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2015 at 4:06am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my friends and I were going to Applebee's. A girl we don't like invited herself along. She waited for my friend outside of the bathroom, forced her to drive her, and said, "It's okay someone will pay for me." She then ate off of everyone's plate and left before the bill came. FML

by RUFckingSrs / 12/21/2015 at 9:42pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

by noononononono / 12/21/2015 at 6:52pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

by letstradefamilies / 12/21/2015 at 4:50pm / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, I mistook a tree in my back yard as an intruder and called the police. FML

by SexxiKitty / 12/19/2015 at 5:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I complained about period cramps. My boyfriend said periods can't be that bad since "girls must orgasm every time they put a tampon in." FML

by periods / 12/18/2015 at 11:37am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2015 at 6:40am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I finished polishing a song I was working on for my girlfriend. The next words out of her mouth when we next spoke: "I want to break up." FML

by HobblinGoblin / 12/18/2015 at 1:34am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.