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FMLs submitted from California

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

#1215114
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21479) - you deserved it (41792)

On 04/22/2009 at 2:44am - misc - by fastfingers409 - United States (California)

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

#1213141
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57901) - you deserved it (10542)

On 04/22/2009 at 12:09am - love - by misterhippo (man) - United States (California)

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

#1183815
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35474) - you deserved it (92780)

On 04/21/2009 at 1:42am - misc - by anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

#1175700
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45029) - you deserved it (7519)

On 04/20/2009 at 10:24pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

#1146532
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23993) - you deserved it (56042)

On 04/20/2009 at 3:59am - misc - by SuperBunny (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

#1144667
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (78089) - you deserved it (3114)

On 04/20/2009 at 1:53am - health - by robinhoood (man) - United States (California)

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

#1141291
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13897) - you deserved it (62890)

On 04/20/2009 at 12:11am - misc - by steph (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

#1125126
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17784) - you deserved it (55506)

On 04/19/2009 at 5:52pm - work - by Crunchy (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

#1090748
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46413) - you deserved it (9562)

On 04/18/2009 at 4:46pm - misc - by sarah (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

#1078771
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13013) - you deserved it (63232)

On 04/18/2009 at 2:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

#1060859
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51823) - you deserved it (6311)

On 04/17/2009 at 5:12pm - misc - by ruined_suit (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

#1046980
214 comments

I agree, your life sucks (89235) - you deserved it (7242)

On 04/17/2009 at 1:43am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

#1043784
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56869) - you deserved it (2253)

On 04/17/2009 at 12:11am - misc - by eyeamcool (woman) - United States (California)



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