FMLs submitted from California

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

by hell / 11/14/2015 at 4:08pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

by nonymous human subject / 11/14/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

by nothowscienceworks / 11/13/2015 at 2:06am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

by friendless1004 / 11/12/2015 at 11:55am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got married. After the ceremony, my sister asked to talk to me. I followed her and she told me that we are no longer related because we don't have the same last name anymore. FML

by Its_Sinon / 11/12/2015 at 3:38am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

by Anonymous / 11/09/2015 at 9:58am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

by UglyGirl / 11/08/2015 at 4:34am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

by honk honk, fuckwad / 11/06/2015 at 5:39pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

by cookiecutter8 / 11/06/2015 at 12:15pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML

by mottephobe / 11/06/2015 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2015 at 4:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking my dog when I saw a man trying to get a screaming little girl into a van. I called 911 and ran over yelling at him. His wife then got out of the van and explained the girl was their daughter and they were just trying to make her go to school. FML

by cutsiecurliee / 11/05/2015 at 2:21pm / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2015 at 8:17pm / United States (California) / Intimacy