FMLs submitted from California

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2010 at 12:00am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

by Ed / 12/05/2010 at 8:53am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

by miiiiilk / 12/05/2010 at 6:12am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2010 at 1:57am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2010 at 12:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words "You're fired." FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2010 at 7:14pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 10:42pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

by oopsididitagain / 11/30/2010 at 1:49pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2010 at 10:23am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my boyfriend's mother found out that I'm three months pregnant. She told my boyfriend to put it up for adoption, and now wants a paternity test. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2010 at 6:08pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2010 at 3:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

by saywhat / 11/25/2010 at 10:28pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 3:36am / United States (California) / Love