FMLs submitted from California

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

by nolife / 11/05/2010 at 7:14pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

by lilmamma / 11/05/2010 at 1:29pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2010 at 8:17am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2010 at 9:00am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

by halloweensucks / 10/31/2010 at 9:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 11:34am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 5:05am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

by tht1chk / 10/30/2010 at 8:37pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

by miss cranky pants / 10/30/2010 at 1:03am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2010 at 12:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

by ohmylordy / 10/29/2010 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

by yeaokay / 10/29/2010 at 1:22am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

by mommysgirlapparently / 10/28/2010 at 11:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous