FMLs submitted from California

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

by Jules / 02/21/2011 at 2:59am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

by Michelle / 02/20/2011 at 12:45pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

by rachel / 02/18/2011 at 8:06pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML

by AliRocks / 02/15/2011 at 2:03pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

by Goatbeard / 02/15/2011 at 12:13pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML

by bleu_noir / 02/14/2011 at 4:34pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2011 at 1:40pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2011 at 11:52am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

by Austin / 02/12/2011 at 2:50am / United States (California) / Work

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

by loner / 02/11/2011 at 7:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2011 at 1:15pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was on the bus heading home from school, when I noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me, checking me out. I was about to say something charmingly funny when I suddenly got a whiff of onions. Turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2011 at 6:32pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

by effyou / 02/10/2011 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Love