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FMLs submitted from California

Today, my mom noticed that my bike chain was rusty so she decided to clean it without telling me about her good deed. She forgot to tighten it when she put it back on so when I tried riding later it locked up and I ended up smashing my nuts. My doctor told me I have to ice them for a week. FML

#5231745
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30279) - you deserved it (1986)

On 09/13/2009 at 4:11pm - health - by triplem (man) - United States (California)

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

#5189788
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38472) - you deserved it (6392)

On 09/11/2009 at 4:46pm - animals - by ouchh (man) - United States (California)

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

#5187639
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44983) - you deserved it (2314)

On 09/11/2009 at 2:27pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

#5186777
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32982) - you deserved it (3893)

On 09/11/2009 at 1:05pm - misc - by thatgirl247 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

#5186753
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30921) - you deserved it (3096)

On 09/11/2009 at 1:04pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

#5184677
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35965) - you deserved it (3628)

On 09/11/2009 at 8:26am - love - by moresexperience (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

#5182605
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36534) - you deserved it (1996)

On 09/11/2009 at 2:35am - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

#5174930
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27799) - you deserved it (15729)

On 09/10/2009 at 8:17pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

#5163461
35 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17710) - you deserved it (4755)

On 09/10/2009 at 2:18am - intimacy - by Loveless (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

#5141424
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37189) - you deserved it (5983)

On 09/09/2009 at 12:24am - misc - by theboywithlonghair (man) - United States (California)

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

#5141393
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35715) - you deserved it (5248)

On 09/09/2009 at 12:23am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

#5141204
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26149) - you deserved it (6655)

On 09/09/2009 at 12:13am - misc - by Goodie (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

#5122351
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14241) - you deserved it (35068)

On 09/08/2009 at 3:11am - love - by WanstinChurchHill (man) - United States (California)



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