FMLs submitted from California

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

by argh / 07/13/2011 at 7:49pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

by wittlegirl / 07/13/2011 at 2:16pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

by whyme / 07/13/2011 at 1:40am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

by couldntholdit / 07/12/2011 at 1:09pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

by OnlyMee / 07/09/2011 at 12:32am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

by lizownsvirgy / 07/07/2011 at 3:49pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2011 at 12:59pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 6:37pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

by Kamburgler / 07/02/2011 at 2:33am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

by Rick / 07/01/2011 at 4:31am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

by budbunny13 / 06/30/2011 at 7:08pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, while making love, he farted. And blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

by crazy_bitch122 / 06/29/2011 at 1:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML

by eyelashess / 06/29/2011 at 12:10am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous