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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

#14605764
208 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59671) - you deserved it (4712)

On 01/16/2011 at 9:43pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

#14604817
235 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47928) - you deserved it (6766)

On 01/16/2011 at 8:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

#14585832
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34480) - you deserved it (7690)

On 01/15/2011 at 2:38am - love - by hollysofly - United States (California)

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

#14585633
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28930) - you deserved it (10427)

On 01/15/2011 at 2:09am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

#14581374
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13632) - you deserved it (30684)

On 01/14/2011 at 8:05pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

#14578996
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23692) - you deserved it (2719)

On 01/14/2011 at 3:34pm - misc - by hoops (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

#14575088
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19648) - you deserved it (34130)

On 01/14/2011 at 4:26am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML

#14560893
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32165) - you deserved it (3644)

On 01/12/2011 at 11:42pm - kids - by tatortot7707 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

#14548821
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8334) - you deserved it (32841)

On 01/11/2011 at 9:37pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

#14533533
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31552) - you deserved it (4162)

On 01/10/2011 at 2:14pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I woke up early to go to church with my parents. When I got in the car, I was struck with the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. My parents told me I'd be cleaning the car out when we got there, because if we turned around, we'd be late. FML

#14521261
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27727) - you deserved it (3044)

On 01/09/2011 at 2:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

#14505614
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28988) - you deserved it (5228)

On 01/08/2011 at 3:57am - animals - by ciotter (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I went to the OBGYN for my annual, and noticed they now supplied babywipes. After 3 seconds of "cleaning", the intense burning started. Turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes. FML

#14502012
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10263) - you deserved it (30618)

On 01/07/2011 at 10:09pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)



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