FMLs submitted from California

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

by FirstStringQB / 10/01/2011 at 6:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

by littlepsychgirl / 09/29/2011 at 4:14pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

by BigBananaLover / 09/26/2011 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

by essay2 / 09/24/2011 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

by Anonymous / 09/24/2011 at 5:12am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

by drastech99 / 09/23/2011 at 2:22am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

by kdmoney / 09/23/2011 at 2:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2011 at 2:39pm / United States (California) / Love

 Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

by AL / 09/21/2011 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML

by Nicole / 09/19/2011 at 4:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2011 at 10:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

by jj4320 / 09/17/2011 at 4:37am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML

by cheated / 09/17/2011 at 12:43am / United States (California) / Love