FMLs submitted from California

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

by Teen With No Money / 08/03/2011 at 11:49am / United States (California) / Money

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. He continued to tell me how he had to piss. We carried on this conversation for about 10 minutes, then I realized that was the most interesting conversation I have had with him in weeks. FML

by Cow_girl_cutie / 08/03/2011 at 3:47am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 11:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But... Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

by theonlychildd1 / 08/02/2011 at 7:46pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

by ImScrewed / 08/02/2011 at 1:47pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2011 at 5:47pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML

by failure / 07/29/2011 at 2:19am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

by notabeliever / 07/29/2011 at 1:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

by Not That Old / 07/28/2011 at 12:22am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year old girl in the face. FML

by slappedright / 07/26/2011 at 7:19pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

by badbride / 07/26/2011 at 1:11pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

by unnamed / 07/25/2011 at 11:19pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

by Username / 07/24/2011 at 2:22am / United States (California) / Health