FMLs submitted from California

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

by copshop / 11/10/2011 at 6:40am / United States (California) / Work

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

by Noslo / 11/09/2011 at 10:52pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML

by me / 11/04/2011 at 12:38am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

by fmlifer / 11/04/2011 at 12:29am / United States (California) / Love

Today, after 3 years, I saw my ex, who I still love, at a coffee shop. Being nice, I said hi. He turned around, looked at me, and said, "Thank God I broke up with you. You look like a hot mess!" before getting up and walking out with his model girlfriend. FML

by brie / 11/02/2011 at 12:01pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

by loves the smell of burning flesh / 11/01/2011 at 9:22am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

by Halle / 11/01/2011 at 3:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2011 at 8:36pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

by comedybreak / 10/30/2011 at 12:31pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, while in the grocery store my boyfriend said very loudly "Don't make me hit you in public again!" He says things like this every time we are in the grocery store line. The sad part is that it's better than when he says "Are you gonna pay for the stuff you put in your purse?" FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2011 at 4:38am / United States (California) / Love

Today, it's the third day of my dad's revenge after he snapped over me supposedly using the word "duh" in every other sentence. He got his hands on my old recorder and has been playing it loudly and out of tune outside my room when I try to do my homework. My mom thinks this is hilarious. FML

by krystal / 10/26/2011 at 8:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

by fire1 / 10/25/2011 at 12:30am / United States (California) / Work

Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

by lonely / 10/24/2011 at 10:55am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous