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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

#21475215
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26205) - you deserved it (2257)

On 10/02/2015 at 12:24am - love - by Anon Y. Mous - United States (California)

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

#21474913
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20974) - you deserved it (3846)

On 10/01/2015 at 6:41am - animals - by FereldonBorn (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

#21474870
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22015) - you deserved it (2272)

On 10/01/2015 at 2:18am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, a 60 year old veteran hit on me by pointing to his white hair and saying: "Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't a fire down below." Then he told me vets eat free at Cracker Barrel. FML

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

#21473561
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21997) - you deserved it (3629)

On 09/28/2015 at 12:05am - love - by DontBeRude (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

#21473282
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29039) - you deserved it (2748)

On 09/27/2015 at 12:05pm - intimacy - by itsbeenalongday - United States (California)

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

#21473001
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32181) - you deserved it (5758)

On 09/26/2015 at 4:44pm - intimacy - by erphy21 - United States (California)

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

#21472720
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22400) - you deserved it (2360)

On 09/25/2015 at 9:17pm - misc - by My Daughter Fails at Life (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML

#21472718
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31561) - you deserved it (2008)

On 09/25/2015 at 9:10pm - intimacy - by Thank God I Flush Them Down The Toilet (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

#21472641
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24668) - you deserved it (1833)

On 09/25/2015 at 4:43pm - misc - by WakeUpToADream (man) - United States (California)

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

#21472609
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24321) - you deserved it (2742)

On 09/25/2015 at 2:45pm - intimacy - by Enanimus (man) - United States (California)

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

#21472478
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23128) - you deserved it (2573)

On 09/25/2015 at 1:42am - kids - by Failed_Dad (man) - United States (California)

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

#21472021
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16450) - you deserved it (20638)

On 09/23/2015 at 10:23pm - intimacy - by dormlyfe - United States (California)



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