FMLs submitted from California

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

by shat / 12/12/2015 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 11:54pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2015 at 11:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

by crushed / 12/10/2015 at 7:12pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

by AlwaysRejected / 12/10/2015 at 10:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss of six months asked me what country I'm from. I'm white and from the southern United States. I'm so quiet, he didn't think I spoke English. FML

by Macysdayparade8 / 12/08/2015 at 11:01pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom told me that when I choked on a tortilla chip yesterday, she was seriously planning on cutting my neck open and sticking a straw in it if I didn't stop, because she saw someone do it on 'E.R.'. Now I'm scared to have an emergency around her. FML

by meg__1798 / 12/08/2015 at 9:08pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I turned to face the cashier at the supermarket, I managed to knock over an entire display of gift cards with my backpack. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2015 at 9:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

by shitlicker / 12/07/2015 at 11:38pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

by princess / 12/07/2015 at 9:12am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2015 at 1:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

by shake666 / 12/04/2015 at 12:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

by Anon / 12/04/2015 at 2:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous