FMLs submitted from California

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

by grubbieduc / 10/06/2011 at 12:40am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

by SimpleSwimmer / 10/04/2011 at 12:18pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

by friskeyk14 / 10/04/2011 at 3:04am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

by bastard magnet / 10/02/2011 at 6:14pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

by FirstStringQB / 10/01/2011 at 6:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

by littlepsychgirl / 09/29/2011 at 4:14pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

by BigBananaLover / 09/26/2011 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

by essay2 / 09/24/2011 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

by Anonymous / 09/24/2011 at 5:12am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

by drastech99 / 09/23/2011 at 2:22am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

by kdmoney / 09/23/2011 at 2:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2011 at 2:39pm / United States (California) / Love

 Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

by AL / 09/21/2011 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous