FMLs submitted from California

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

by FuturePolice / 01/23/2012 at 4:56am / United States (California) / Work

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

by michellenKG / 01/23/2012 at 12:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

by sharky / 01/20/2012 at 4:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

by anonymous / 01/16/2012 at 2:55pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2012 at 1:24am / United States (California) / Love

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2012 at 6:40pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

by In Pain / 01/11/2012 at 3:03am / United States (California) / Health

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

by Jonny / 01/08/2012 at 11:07pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

by Forever Alone x2 / 01/07/2012 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would've been fine with this if it weren't for the fact that I know he and his family are all atheists. FML

by Anon / 01/04/2012 at 9:21pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

by gimpy / 01/04/2012 at 11:55am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

by hitchhiked / 01/04/2012 at 1:28am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

by max / 01/03/2012 at 2:36pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous