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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

#16600238
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31573) - you deserved it (7495)

On 06/10/2011 at 8:14pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

#16591385
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42612) - you deserved it (4607)

On 06/10/2011 at 4:09am - work - by lilben (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

#16574286
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33494) - you deserved it (5777)

On 06/09/2011 at 3:20am - animals - by CatLady (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML

#16556165
263 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54277) - you deserved it (3738)

On 06/08/2011 at 12:35am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

#16542323
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13679) - you deserved it (42517)

On 06/07/2011 at 3:50am - intimacy - by Kate (woman) - United States (California)

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

#16524791
578 comments

I agree, your life sucks (102575) - you deserved it (11705)

On 06/06/2011 at 2:27am - misc - by KillMeNow (woman) - United States (California)

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

#16507836
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54223) - you deserved it (5639)

On 06/05/2011 at 12:14am - love - by longlostkid556 (man) - United States (California)

Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

#16495629
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49527) - you deserved it (3951)

On 06/04/2011 at 7:27am - misc - by maribel - United States (California)

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

#16495261
264 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12625) - you deserved it (121170)

On 06/04/2011 at 5:36am - love - by PizzaBoySwag (man) - United States (California)

Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML

#16451971
335 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24218) - you deserved it (61148)

On 06/01/2011 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

#16398150
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33466) - you deserved it (14942)

On 05/29/2011 at 4:12am - kids - by adogg18 - United States (California)

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

#16395654
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38504) - you deserved it (6019)

On 05/29/2011 at 12:27am - misc - by CAchickadee - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to sneak out. As I was climbing out of my 3rd floor window, he got a text and moved the ladder. Now I'm in the hospital with two broken ribs. FML

#16382650
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23392) - you deserved it (35858)

On 05/28/2011 at 2:45am - love - by epicfail (woman) - United States (California)



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