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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time; he asked me to explain my interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with your daughter" and "I want to be in your daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in your daughter." FML

#20198676
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25662) - you deserved it (5292)

On 12/10/2012 at 2:21am - love - by Tonguetied0496 (man) - United States (California)

Today, feeling very distant to my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

#20196447
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (3504) - you deserved it (37960)

On 12/08/2012 at 2:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

#20193609
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24271) - you deserved it (2401)

On 12/06/2012 at 9:24am - intimacy - by Dontwaketheneighbors (man) - United States (California)

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

#20188543
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15469) - you deserved it (1841)

On 12/02/2012 at 8:57pm - misc - by :/ (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

#20187648
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19889) - you deserved it (1784)

On 12/02/2012 at 5:16am - misc - by Ashley - United States (California)

Today, my dad grounded me for two weeks for profusely swearing at my misbehaving laptop. After some arguing, he actually accepted my half-joking offer to play a game of CoD over it. His condition was that if I lost, my grounding period would double. We played. He kicked my ass. FML

#20185812
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5171) - you deserved it (19402)

On 11/30/2012 at 8:28pm - misc - by goodbye cruel world (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

#20185753
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5225) - you deserved it (10750)

On 11/30/2012 at 7:31pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, this really big woman asked me for some cigarettes. I didn't have any, which made her angry. Angry enough to pick me up, stuff me in a dumpster, and sit on the lid. I still smell like garbage. FML

#20183027
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19366) - you deserved it (1313)

On 11/28/2012 at 7:29pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

#20182157
168 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19646) - you deserved it (1687)

On 11/28/2012 at 1:06am - misc - by boo8713 (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by throwing my stuff out of his place, and accusing me of cheating while yelling, "Cheater, cheater! Pumpkin eater!" When I tried explaining that I have no clue what he's talking about, he started exclaiming, "Liar, liar! Pants on fire!" FML

#20180296
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18584) - you deserved it (2404)

On 11/26/2012 at 8:41pm - love - by imnotacheateryouimmaturefuck (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML

#20179140
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17441) - you deserved it (1541)

On 11/26/2012 at 12:27am - kids - by toritoratora - United States (California)

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

#20177780
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19728) - you deserved it (1207)

On 11/25/2012 at 4:07am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me. When I explained the situation to the "other guy", he exclaimed that I was lying because I was jealous and trying to ruin his relationship. He punched me in the face. FML

#20177730
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19534) - you deserved it (1688)

On 11/25/2012 at 3:09am - love - by king400 - United States (California)



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