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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

#21476872
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23239) - you deserved it (2094)

On 10/06/2015 at 4:42pm - kids - by elcee1987 - United States (California)

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

#21476857
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25014) - you deserved it (2368)

On 10/06/2015 at 3:43pm - misc - by spiderbaby - United States (California)

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

#21476456
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22396) - you deserved it (3514)

On 10/05/2015 at 3:20pm - health - by ouch - United States (California)

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

#21476154
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24584) - you deserved it (1813)

On 10/04/2015 at 7:34pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who had a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn the condom?" FML

#21476150
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22998) - you deserved it (5016)

On 10/04/2015 at 7:12pm - kids - by jshsnan - United States (California)

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

#21475525
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22221) - you deserved it (1307)

On 10/02/2015 at 10:44pm - work - by TordNorski - United States (California)

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

#21475230
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9871) - you deserved it (27866)

On 10/02/2015 at 1:49am - health - by balls (man) - United States (California)

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

#21475215
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26038) - you deserved it (2240)

On 10/02/2015 at 12:24am - love - by Anon Y. Mous - United States (California)

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

#21474913
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20971) - you deserved it (3845)

On 10/01/2015 at 6:41am - animals - by FereldonBorn (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

#21474870
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22015) - you deserved it (2272)

On 10/01/2015 at 2:18am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, a 60 year old veteran hit on me by pointing to his white hair and saying: "Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there isn't a fire down below." Then he told me vets eat free at Cracker Barrel. FML

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

#21473561
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21994) - you deserved it (3628)

On 09/28/2015 at 12:05am - love - by DontBeRude (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

#21473282
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29023) - you deserved it (2747)

On 09/27/2015 at 12:05pm - intimacy - by itsbeenalongday - United States (California)



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