FMLs submitted from California

Today, I was driving a little over the speed limit, when I saw a cop car waiting to join the road ahead of me. I quickly hit the brakes so they wouldn't have a payday with me. I hit the brakes too hard, lost control and almost ended up on someone's lawn. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2016 at 2:04am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

by Mewsmash / 01/01/2016 at 11:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2015 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

by pincushion / 12/31/2015 at 12:47am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

by hakuna_matata / 12/30/2015 at 9:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had a job interview. I was asked what my dream job would be. I blurted out, "The president, because I think it's a very cool and important job." I don't think I'm getting this one. FML

by good job brain / 12/30/2015 at 4:07am / United States (California) / Work

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2015 at 7:58pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

by bob the builders pissed off daughter / 12/29/2015 at 6:52pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

by zzarzzur / 12/29/2015 at 4:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me in front of his whole family with the ring his mother had helped him pick out. Two hours later, I found emails of nudes from another women that had been sent to him a week prior, on his phone. Our flight for home leaves in a week. FML

by FMeRight? / 12/28/2015 at 3:15pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

by ThreeWeeksWithoutSex / 12/28/2015 at 12:43am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2015 at 12:08pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

by ChaoticGamer / 12/23/2015 at 10:15am / United States (California) / Animals