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FMLs submitted from California

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

#21060563
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52808) - you deserved it (5028)

On 02/14/2014 at 5:41pm - intimacy - by accident (man) - United States (California)

Today, something ran across my foot while I was on the toilet. Hearing me scream, my husband ran in. We now have a new "pet" mouse named Jerry that I am not allowed to kill under threat of divorce. FML

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

#21054738
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51035) - you deserved it (5806)

On 02/08/2014 at 7:42pm - intimacy - by O_o - United States (California)

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

#21054564
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31445) - you deserved it (16702)

On 02/08/2014 at 3:54pm - misc - by fuck you, dad (man) - United States (California)

Today, after my car being in the shop for over a day and with no updates from the dealership, I decided to pay them a visit. The place was almost empty, and they hadn't done any work on my car. But judging by the used condom on my back seat, somebody got their own oil checked. FML

#21053684
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43842) - you deserved it (3817)

On 02/07/2014 at 7:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

#21052729
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44887) - you deserved it (5355)

On 02/06/2014 at 8:32pm - health - by sashimi9999 - United States (California)

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

#21052599
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43231) - you deserved it (3799)

On 02/06/2014 at 6:07pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, after working 12 hours, my scooter broke down 2 miles from home. I had to walk myself and my scooter home all uphill. My boyfriend and his friends drove by, honked and kept going. FML

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

#21039586
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41195) - you deserved it (3817)

On 01/25/2014 at 2:11pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

#21038727
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45436) - you deserved it (5003)

On 01/24/2014 at 8:29pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

#21037837
214 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43019) - you deserved it (5103)

On 01/24/2014 at 12:28am - misc - by Estee1024 - United States (California)

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

#21037822
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41519) - you deserved it (4544)

On 01/24/2014 at 12:15am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

#21036142
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41209) - you deserved it (5267)

On 01/22/2014 at 2:23pm - misc - by IMSERIOUS - United States (California)



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