FMLs submitted from California

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2016 at 11:34am / United States (California) / Work

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

by inpain / 03/17/2016 at 12:56am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

by help me / 03/15/2016 at 9:05pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML

by Bex / 03/15/2016 at 3:27am / United States (California) / Work

Today, after a lot of complaints from other members, I told an old lady at the gym I work at that she couldn't sit in the sauna naked. She responded by grabbing her boobs and shaking them in my face. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

by rapunzel3416 / 03/14/2016 at 2:31am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

by CROCKIN5150 / 03/14/2016 at 12:32am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2016 at 2:44pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my alarm clock, which was set to play a certain radio station didn't go off. Turns out, yesterday was their 10th anniversary and also the end of their station. I didn't wake up to the white noise until 9. The interview I had spent 3 months preparing for was at 7. FML

by pohoon / 03/09/2016 at 2:40pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, an old man wanted to return a fryer. The box had blood smears all over it, so I told him no. He became irate and demanded a manager. Management said, "Hell no and don't touch that box." When I came back, he was licking a paper towel and attempting to wipe off the blood. FML

by leafynitemare / 03/08/2016 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started training my replacement for my job. My replacement already makes more money per hour than I do. FML

by MySonshine7 / 03/07/2016 at 11:23am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my slacker co-worker accused me of stealing because I got more hours than him. I was called into the manager's office and interrogated. They believed him, and sent me home for the day. I guess it pays off being the boss's kid. FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2016 at 1:49pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

by iSamsung / 03/06/2016 at 9:00am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML

by b5b0n36 / 03/05/2016 at 9:38pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.