FMLs submitted from California

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2016 at 10:39pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

by babyscarface / 06/12/2016 at 11:48am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:03am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2016 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

by slim_breezy / 06/04/2016 at 3:41am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

by Revelyn / 06/03/2016 at 6:18pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

by Dixienornous / 06/03/2016 at 7:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

by mitchellcrawford / 05/31/2016 at 2:05pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 10:32pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

by Rescheduled / 05/28/2016 at 4:44am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was mowing my lawn and it had a dry looking dog turd. I figured I'd be able to mow it easily into the grass bag as dust. Instead, it still had enough moisture to splatter into clumps. Including a couple that went up my left nostril. FML

by Furzball / 05/27/2016 at 2:19am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

by FastTurtle9 / 05/24/2016 at 4:10pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

by Shitty day / 05/24/2016 at 1:59am / United States (California) / Animals