FMLs submitted from California

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

by Malcolm654 / 09/28/2016 at 11:20pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2016 at 5:29pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

by Fat and Embarrassed / 09/25/2016 at 10:09pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

by Worky Workerton / 09/22/2016 at 1:14pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

by ang3l4 / 09/21/2016 at 1:28am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

by CouldBeALoser / 09/17/2016 at 2:26pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I took my wife to a country concert for her birthday, even though I can't stand country. While she had the time of her life, I was punched twice, had a beer dropped on me, and had a rather large, drunk woman fall on me. Happy birthday, baby. FML

by Senseless_487 / 09/16/2016 at 2:29pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out the guys I live with have an ongoing contest to see if they can hit targets on the inside of the toilet lid with urine when they pee. I could forgive this in my seven-year-old son, but not my forty-year-old husband. FML

by makehimscrubit / 09/13/2016 at 11:18pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

by livingonmyownfromnowon / 09/13/2016 at 2:38am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 yr old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2016 at 10:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

by epicgamer / 09/12/2016 at 10:55pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

by CoalRose / 09/11/2016 at 4:33pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

by Anon / 09/11/2016 at 3:27am / United States (California) / Health