FMLs submitted from California

Today, after a few days of getting what seemed like an odd, scattered rash every time I showered, I finally figured out the problem. It turns out I wasn't just allergic to all the different soap I tried. Apparently a family of very angry spiders have decided to make my loofah their new home. FML

by Peter Parker / 08/30/2016 at 7:19pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2016 at 4:27pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my best friend asked if car oil could be used as a substitute for lube. I need new friends. FML

Today, I had to abandon my normal duties and help out the electrician my boss called, all because my boss couldn't handle speaking to him since he was attractive. She's in her fifties. I'm in my twenties and I'm the more mature one. FML

by C8H18 / 08/10/2016 at 3:16pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML

by Anonymous / 08/09/2016 at 4:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I'd save some money by doing my own electrical work. When I turned the power back on, it caught fire. FML

by chewsef / 08/08/2016 at 11:22pm / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

by an unlucky man / 08/05/2016 at 5:37am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

by that violates the Geneva conventions / 08/05/2016 at 5:33am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

by damn you Ambien / 08/03/2016 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

by nullpointer / 08/03/2016 at 12:38am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

by crazyattracts / 07/31/2016 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I have an ear infection. I was resting outside when my young neighbor flew his RC plane right into my ear. FML

by BoboCracker / 07/29/2016 at 7:03pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML

by mrsimintrouble / 07/29/2016 at 2:01am / United States (California) / Work