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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from California

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

#21414899
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (4035) - you deserved it (228)

On 05/24/2015 at 11:15am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

#21414271
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17416) - you deserved it (3581)

On 05/23/2015 at 12:38am - misc - by Strainer - United States (California)

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

#21414249
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18367) - you deserved it (1908)

On 05/22/2015 at 11:44pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, we were discussing evolution at the super-religious school I'm forced to attend. I mentioned homo sapiens, and my teacher mockingly replied, "You actually believe in homo sapiens? Hahahah!" The whole class started laughing. No, not at the teacher; at me. FML

#21414003
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22907) - you deserved it (1575)

On 05/22/2015 at 1:10pm - misc - by homo fuckofftus (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

#21413854
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23382) - you deserved it (2680)

On 05/22/2015 at 2:55am - intimacy - by zzarzzur (man) - United States (California)

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

#21413424
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24248) - you deserved it (4321)

On 05/21/2015 at 6:48am - work - by pgmonster - United States (California)

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

#21413064
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24075) - you deserved it (1542)

On 05/20/2015 at 2:40pm - work - by kmctl - United States (California)

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

#21412440
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28259) - you deserved it (3029)

On 05/19/2015 at 7:43am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

#21411433
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27491) - you deserved it (2597)

On 05/17/2015 at 12:08pm - love - by creepedoutmom (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

#21411308
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28526) - you deserved it (3096)

On 05/17/2015 at 2:31am - work - by fuckkkkk - United States (California)

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

#21410715
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27076) - you deserved it (2344)

On 05/15/2015 at 9:17pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I woke up to the sound of my little sister knocking on my door. Today's my birthday, so I thought she'd surprise me with something. Instead, she just asked me, "How's it feel to be a year older and still alone?" I just turned 20. The truth hurts. FML

Today, I got a text saying I was "banned" from a volunteer group by the vice chair. Why? Because him dumping me the night before and leaving me in the bar alone drunk and crying wasn't enough for him, apparently. FML

#21410356
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27694) - you deserved it (2325)

On 05/15/2015 at 1:40am - love - by bluestripedsockm - United States (California)



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