FMLs submitted from British Columbia

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

by scarlet / 05/09/2011 at 11:02am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

by littlegirl / 05/07/2011 at 12:46am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

by Steve.mc / 05/01/2011 at 3:03am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

by scarred4life / 04/27/2011 at 10:05am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

by magicman / 04/26/2011 at 12:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML

by HFCS / 04/18/2011 at 12:53am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

by HWS / 04/15/2011 at 1:47am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

by Bailey / 04/05/2011 at 12:04am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

by ohshit / 03/28/2011 at 8:31pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

by Myboyfriendisaromanticslob / 03/10/2011 at 12:09am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

by anonymous / 02/12/2011 at 12:48am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

by awkward drunk / 01/29/2011 at 7:40am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2011 at 6:55am / Canada (British Columbia) / Geek