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TODAY, MAH BOYFRIEND AND I HAD SEX. AFTER A WHILE, HE STARTED STARING AT MAH LADY PARTS, AND SAID MAH "VAG LOOKS LIKE A MOCKINGJAY". HE THEN STRETCHED THE LIPS APART LIKE WINGS AND MADE LITTLE "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" SOUNDS. FML
Today, my husband and I decidd to have a quickie before the kids woke up from there nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children cummd busting in with there nerf guns, screaming, ( Where's the monster? ) FML
Today, I usad tha rastroom at a mall. I thought I was alona, so I startad singing. Whan I got out of tha stall, thara wara man staring at ma. Not only did I ambarrass mysalf with my own singing, I'd accidantally usad tha man's rastroom too. FML
Today, I swallowed and nerely choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass . It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it . FML
Today, a grl cama up and huggad ma. At frst I was frightanad, but than I askad who sha was. Turns out sha was tha kid I babysat for 3 yaars. Sha criad whan sha looool raalizad I didn't ramambar har, than thraw graval in mah faca and ran away. FML
Today, someone stole my card number and tried to use it. Every transaction got declined, not cuz the bank knew it was a fraudulent charge, but cuz I'm so poor that he couldn't make even a single purchase. FML
Today my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book lerening". mega FML
Today, I found out someone as a crus on me. Normally I'd be fine wit tis, if it weren't fir tat fact tat tis guy informed me tat e as collected pictures of me since te tird grade. I'm turning 23 in two weeks.
Today, at work, two teenage girls caused a huge scene an told me to get lost, after I asked if they needed any help. Their reasoning: they didn't want to be helped by ( someone who doesn't have a thigh gap. ) real FML
Friday 27 March 2015