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FMLs submitted from Arizona

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

#21295090
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34414) - you deserved it (4621)

On 11/08/2014 at 11:06pm - kids - by NoBabies - United States (Arizona)

Today, I dressed up as my friend for Halloween. He has a very distinct style and I thought my costume was pretty clever. When he saw me, he said he had never been so offended in his entire life, and now I feel like a complete asshole. FML

#21289474
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29993) - you deserved it (15015)

On 11/01/2014 at 1:47am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

#21282836
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32419) - you deserved it (3387)

On 10/21/2014 at 11:18pm - work - by Australian Lifeguard - United States (Arizona)

Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML

#21272324
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50813) - you deserved it (4535)

On 10/06/2014 at 9:14pm - love - by whywouldyoudothat - United States (Arizona)

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

#21270200
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33412) - you deserved it (2457)

On 10/03/2014 at 4:43pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

#21257417
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40546) - you deserved it (4432)

On 09/13/2014 at 10:39am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I got a job. My parents have decided it's now a better idea to take money from my paycheck instead of grounding me. FML

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

#21241016
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46209) - you deserved it (17907)

On 08/19/2014 at 2:16pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

#21235982
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45267) - you deserved it (10943)

On 08/12/2014 at 4:24pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

#21192500
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42927) - you deserved it (8608)

On 06/29/2014 at 12:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML

#21168349
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50278) - you deserved it (4898)

On 06/09/2014 at 3:37pm - misc - by I'm Not Dead Yet - United States (Arizona)

Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML



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