FMLs submitted from Arizona

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

by MissArizona / 08/08/2011 at 10:12am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML

by moonstone15 / 08/05/2011 at 8:24pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me "never mind". This same routine happens several times a month. FML

by iloveryanhiga / 08/05/2011 at 5:27am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

by Tireddddddd / 07/31/2011 at 1:45am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

by KidCudi227 / 07/19/2011 at 1:42am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

by RobinBunny713 / 07/18/2011 at 11:23pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

by Ghettogirl4life / 07/12/2011 at 9:34am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

by UhOh / 07/08/2011 at 4:38pm / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, my mother resolved to never visit McDonald's again. Not because of ethics or health concerns, but because they charged her for extra barbecue sauce. She bitched out the man in the drive-through for a good five minutes, while I sat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. FML

by AgentFreshers / 07/07/2011 at 7:07pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

by T-Guy / 07/02/2011 at 11:01pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my mother to pay back the $50 she owes me. Rather than paying me back, she raced off to "work". She's been unemployed for 3 years. FML

by FMarinasL / 06/30/2011 at 7:43pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

by sabadaba / 06/19/2011 at 1:51pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

by evomadrid24 / 06/01/2011 at 10:48pm / United States (Arizona) / Work