FMLs submitted from Alberta

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

by rochellamaya / 09/02/2011 at 8:47am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

by ryanlogan / 08/31/2011 at 2:31am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

by bunkbed / 08/30/2011 at 12:45pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

by The captain / 08/21/2011 at 7:09pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

by ChePow / 08/20/2011 at 2:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

by Alohaporno / 08/03/2011 at 2:31pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

by bigbill / 08/03/2011 at 12:45am / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2011 at 3:24am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

by coffee girl / 07/22/2011 at 4:31pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

by anon / 07/20/2011 at 3:55am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

by ken / 07/19/2011 at 3:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

by deeenalynn / 07/18/2011 at 12:22pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

by muffintop / 07/10/2011 at 10:34pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health