FMLs submitted from Alberta

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2016 at 6:36pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

by bloodless / 01/05/2016 at 12:17am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2015 at 8:27am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

by ugh / 11/30/2015 at 10:52pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML

by anon / 11/27/2015 at 3:21pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

by NoBasement4U / 11/26/2015 at 3:24pm / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

by anonymous / 11/24/2015 at 9:59pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2015 at 4:23pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

by cantfallbackasleep / 10/22/2015 at 10:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, my blind date tried to sell me a vacuum. I bought it. FML

by sniffmyzebra / 10/20/2015 at 3:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

by why do eggs explode / 10/12/2015 at 5:35pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 12:20am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

by iskalion / 10/10/2015 at 1:39am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous