FMLs submitted from Alabama

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2014 at 2:44pm / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2014 at 1:07pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

by wtfmom / 10/07/2014 at 5:10pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

by AgentOrion / 08/29/2014 at 12:16am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking to work, I saw a homeless guy with a funny "NEED MONEY 4 BOOZE" sign, so I gave him a few spare dollars for his humor. On my way back home, he was out cold on the sidewalk with several empty bottles beside him. Whoops. FML

by thoughthewasjoking / 08/15/2014 at 5:10pm / United States (Alabama) / Money

Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML

by spitstopper / 08/06/2014 at 10:22pm / United States (Alabama) / Work

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

by fedUPwithPEOPLE / 07/31/2014 at 3:35am / United States (Alabama) / Money

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

by Anonymous / 07/25/2014 at 10:06pm / United States (Alabama) / Work

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

by keelah / 06/27/2014 at 5:57pm / United States (Alabama) / Kids

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

by Anonymous / 06/26/2014 at 9:39pm / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

by fat and alone / 06/05/2014 at 12:11am / United States (Alabama) / Health

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

by groundedasfuck / 05/24/2014 at 4:24pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

by that girl / 04/08/2014 at 7:06pm / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy