FML : Intimacy, Your everyday life stories

By Anonymous - / Saturday 21 April 2018 05:00 /

World

Today, I have to clear up after an orgy from last night. That would be bad enough, but I spent weeks arranging it, supplied the venue and everything else, and I was the only guy not to get laid. FML

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By Frustrated - / Thursday 19 April 2018 04:00 / United Kingdom

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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You deserved it

By Honest mistake - / Wednesday 18 April 2018 05:00 /

Today, my husband and I were getting busy on the living room couch when my mother-in-law stopped by and let herself in with a key we didn’t know she had. She then demanded an apology like it was all our fault and stormed out. I still don’t know why she came by. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 17 April 2018 01:30 /

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

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You deserved it

By Fifi - / Monday 16 April 2018 05:00 /

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

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You deserved it

By stdfree_hopefully - / Sunday 15 April 2018 06:00 /

Freaky.

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 12 April 2018 05:00 /

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 11 April 2018 06:00 /

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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You deserved it

By Parent - / Sunday 8 April 2018 23:00 / United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Saturday 7 April 2018 05:00 /

World

United Kingdom

Uncomfortably Numb

Today, I bought variety condoms. I chose one called "Endurance" thinking it would be extra strong, put it on him, and gave it a suck. I realised my mistake when my lips and mouth went numb. It has benzocaine on to delay him. I still can't feel my mouth. FML

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You deserved it

By UnComfortablyNumb - / Thursday 5 April 2018 04:00 / United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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You deserved it

By andrew - / Wednesday 4 April 2018 06:00 /

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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You deserved it

By Bleached_Eyes - / Monday 2 April 2018 00:00 / United States - Pikesville

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 1 April 2018 05:00 /

World

United Kingdom

Today, I experienced the old joke about recognising women by their shoes sticking out of the driver and passenger windows. It was my mother's shoes in my mother's car, but the guy happily plowing her on top of the hand-brake was not my dad. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Friday 30 March 2018 04:00 / United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. He actually had the balls to say her leg was asleep and he was trying to wake it up. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 27 March 2018 22:00 / United States - Papillion

Awkward...

Today, I accidentally sent a dick pic to my coach instead of my girlfriend. He sent one back. FML

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You deserved it

By What’sGoingOn - / Monday 26 March 2018 05:00 /

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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You deserved it

By Zaak - / Sunday 25 March 2018 06:00 /

Today, during my run through a nature preserve, I rounded the corner to a pair of legs sticking out on the trail. My first thought was that someone was hurt, but as I got closer I realized it was one guy blowing another on the side of the trail. I had to jump over his legs. FML

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You deserved it

By Sessionsjc - / Friday 23 March 2018 01:00 / United States - Boca Raton

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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You deserved it

By wtf fml - / Tuesday 20 March 2018 17:30 / United States - Hesperia

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Saturday 17 March 2018 05:00 /

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

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You deserved it

By feeling dusty - / Sunday 11 March 2018 06:00 /

World

Austria

Today, after installing a clapper in our bedroom, my wife and I had some rough sex and the lights went on and off. That's how we found out about her seizures. FML

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You deserved it

By Mr. Brink - / Friday 9 March 2018 06:10 / Austria - Wilhelmsburg

Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML

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You deserved it

By parent - / Thursday 8 March 2018 01:30 /

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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You deserved it

By Stressed out mom - / Wednesday 7 March 2018 01:30 /

Today, as I was about to finally tell my boyfriend of nearly a year that I love him, he revealed that he cheated on me, his side chick is pregnant, and he has the clap. FML

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You deserved it

By Backstabber<3 - / Tuesday 6 March 2018 19:00 /

Oops.

Today, after my wife and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years, I found out she's still on the pill. Apparently when she was a teen she had bad period cramps, so her doctor gave her the pill for the pain. She never realized it stops pregnancy. FML

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You deserved it

By maybe time to adopt - / Sunday 4 March 2018 15:00 /

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 1 March 2018 19:30 / United States - Greenville

World

Germany

Today, my landlord called me to complain about me and my fiancée having sex too loudly every Friday night. Every Friday night I work the night shift. FML

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You deserved it

By Phil - / Thursday 1 March 2018 01:30 / Germany - W?rselen

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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You deserved it

By #MurrayShow - / Tuesday 27 February 2018 01:30 /

FML

The Top

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It...

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she...

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back....

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel...

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Nearly

Today was the first full day of being home from the hospital with my baby since I had her. Today was also the day I got a message saying my boyfriend,...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

Today, my mom described me as an "interloper" in the family and revealed that I'll soon be forced to move out. So much for unconditional love. FML

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You deserved it

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World

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United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find out that last night I got extremely drunk, dumped my boyfriend of 3 years, bought a female ostrich, named it Frederic, and confessed...

Philippines

Today, my mom gave me a severe scolding because I refuse to support my 3 sisters, and support 3 "home-wreckers" instead. They are my daughters, who are...

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Photos

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Spicy

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

See all the Spicy FMLs

Freaky.

Uncomfortably Numb

Close-Knit Family

Awkward...

Ouch.

Aaand blocked.

Incognito IRL

Oops.

FML: Uncensored

FML's Christmas Bingo!