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Only the FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

by asianjoe / 07/10/2011 at 9:13pm / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML

by _kyleG_ / 06/16/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

by thanks babe / 10/06/2014 at 7:47pm / United Kingdom (Shropshire) / Love

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

by User06606 / 09/29/2009 at 7:31am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

by MrLonelyHertz / 08/24/2016 at 7:41pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 2:11pm / Latvia (Riga) / Work

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

by suckstobeme / 04/16/2009 at 2:38pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2015 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML

by Elizabeth / 01/09/2009 at 6:40am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

by FreshFaced / 06/12/2011 at 7:46am / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Work

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

by Numou / 12/08/2008 at 2:26am / Love

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

by Tucker / 02/08/2010 at 2:29pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

by Shamu / 02/13/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 8:29am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I found out that if your boss deletes you off Facebook, it's probably not a good sign. FML

by IloveMaroon5 / 06/07/2011 at 2:48am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML

by Username / 01/26/2011 at 10:54pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

by JCruz411 / 01/21/2010 at 8:10am / Love

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

by PlayboyBunny / 02/19/2011 at 2:20am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

by ... / 04/20/2012 at 10:49pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2010 at 6:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2014 at 12:47pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

by sylverster / 03/15/2011 at 8:37am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2013 at 6:00pm / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Love

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

by thenewgirlfriend / 05/26/2013 at 10:15am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

by ashamedklutz / 02/21/2014 at 7:20pm / United Kingdom (Fife) / Work

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

by PhantomKitty / 10/20/2016 at 11:07pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2014 at 1:02am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my coworker use my PC during lunch, because his was having problems. A few hours later, my boss called me into his office and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe my explanation. For fuck's sake, Dave. FML

by sirphilmckraken / 08/08/2014 at 1:30pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had RA training and we were doing mock situations. During one of these, I had a seizure. Everyone thought it was fake, until I started violently throwing up. FML

by anon / 01/18/2016 at 1:53pm / Health

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2013 at 3:32am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

by DMitch / 05/15/2011 at 3:29pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

by BadTime / 08/30/2011 at 5:35am / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

by Wolf / 01/20/2009 at 11:20am / Trinidad and Tobago (Saint George) / Love

Today, my car died on a major road, a cop pulled over to help, he offered to jump me, while doing so because my battery was so dead he told me to put the gas on the floor, I did and my car roared to life, he then pulled me over five feet from where my car died to give me a ticket for a loud exhaust. FML

by fmlcops / 05/22/2009 at 12:17am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML

by Stupid Drunk / 12/22/2012 at 12:01am / United States / Love

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

by sick in Vegas / 01/07/2012 at 5:21pm / United States / Health

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

by joedoe / 07/18/2009 at 2:03am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

by ouch / 12/12/2009 at 3:36pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML

by traumatized / 04/12/2014 at 2:07pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

by DBR / 11/23/2009 at 5:12pm / United States (New York) / Work

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