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Only the FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year old son does. FML

by no one / 03/29/2012 at 2:29pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

by suuuucks / 02/11/2010 at 12:03am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

by krh14 / 02/10/2015 at 7:59am / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

by Anonymous / 03/30/2015 at 11:52pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Work

Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad driver and could parallel park, I decided it was easier to just let him do it. Unfortunately, while getting out of the car to switch seats, I forgot to take the car out of drive and it ran into the car in front of us. He was right. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2010 at 9:20pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 4:18pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Health

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

by Anonytard / 03/02/2014 at 5:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2014 at 1:12pm / Australia / Love

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

by nhanley1 / 04/02/2009 at 1:07pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Geek

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

by Noname / 03/16/2009 at 10:41pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

by anonymous / 10/11/2009 at 10:48pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my dad had a go at me because he thought I was embarrassed by him and that was why I never invited any of my friends over. I was too embarrassed to tell him it's actually because I don't have any friends to invite over. FML

by nerdwithagun / 12/24/2010 at 2:15am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

by Nelson / 05/09/2011 at 11:05am / Sweden / Miscellaneous

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

by King_of_Cha0s / 09/15/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

by :'( / 09/08/2015 at 11:34pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

by Anonymous / 04/04/2016 at 6:46pm / Switzerland / Work

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2012 at 2:47am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2011 at 12:46am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

by xattackattackx / 11/18/2011 at 4:01am / United States (Hawaii) / Health

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

by Ashamed / 04/20/2012 at 3:34am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2010 at 5:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

by blahmylife / 12/15/2010 at 11:16am / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

by pedestrian / 01/26/2011 at 12:07am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

by yogapants / 09/24/2010 at 4:21pm / Switzerland (Zurich) / Health

Today, I was debating weed legalization in drug awareness. I was thoroughly unleashing arguments: how marijuana turns normal citizens into criminals, how the government spends billions to enforce drug laws, when I lost my train of thought. My teacher grinned saying, "My point exactly." FML

by katzperiod / 03/04/2009 at 11:21pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after taping 5-year-olds do a skit at an improv camp, I used the camera's view-finder to zoom in on a female co-worker's chest. Another female co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to show that the TV was still connected to the camera. Parents, kids, and instructors all witnessed it. FML

by Noname / 03/13/2009 at 9:06pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself and singing at full volume. When I went to use the bathroom, I found my constipated cousin looking at me strangely. FML

by anonymous / 05/07/2014 at 7:06pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2014 at 3:21pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

by Kirby / 11/06/2011 at 11:50pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

by Kayak / 12/29/2013 at 6:23pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I cancelled our date tonight. I cancelled because I had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. FML

by Chia / 05/10/2013 at 6:58pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

by notyourfriend / 09/08/2014 at 9:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

by ladytyy / 07/27/2011 at 7:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

by apparentlyhesbusy / 11/23/2009 at 12:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2012 at 6:16am / United States / Love

Today, I woke up fully clothed, trying to remember the night's events. I walk to the den to awkwardly ask my dad for a ride to my car and he points to the computer. A pic of me passed out on the bathroom floor is now our new wallpaper. My skirt was around my knees. He sent it to everyone we know. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2009 at 1:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

by orangethonglover / 07/17/2009 at 12:02am / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML

by CatLady / 08/24/2009 at 9:38am / Canada (Quebec) / Animals

Today, my younger sister ran into my room, telling me someone was trying to break in. We were home alone, so she went to hide as I took a crowbar and followed the intruder. Just as I was about to swing, he turned around: it was my dad. I had to explain to my sister that burglars don't have keys. FML

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

by Jason / 08/12/2010 at 4:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

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