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Only the FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

by Bailey / 04/05/2011 at 12:04am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML

by Tinkerer / 08/21/2011 at 2:25am / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

by tealsoda / 11/21/2009 at 3:09pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

by elevatorjerk / 09/02/2009 at 9:01am / United States / Work

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

by Busted / 12/31/2009 at 3:52pm / Mexico (Distrito Federal) / Holidays

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

by bennyp77 / 08/31/2010 at 1:15am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

by schellbytheseashore / 02/21/2009 at 2:30am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

by ice cream dude / 08/10/2012 at 9:58am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML

by sucked_in / 07/22/2015 at 10:32pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2009 at 3:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2014 at 4:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2009 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (Greater London) / Animals

Today, my external hard drive broke. My husband tried to fix it, and the computer told him he needed to format it. Apparently he didn't know what formatting does, so he did it. I'm a wedding photographer and had a full summer of unfinished wedding photography on there. FML

by photogirl / 08/30/2010 at 2:42pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I told my mother that, after years of cheating and abuse, I'm finally getting a divorce. Her reaction was deep concern that my husband might not want to "be friends" with the rest of the family any more. FML

by Really / 01/15/2016 at 11:25am / United States (Montana) / Love

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

by yggiz / 08/29/2010 at 1:02am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

by TodX / 12/27/2008 at 3:23am / Miscellaneous

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2010 at 2:09pm / Greece (Attiki) / Health

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

by Michelle / 02/20/2011 at 12:45pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2011 at 12:32am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

by NoHamForMeThanks / 03/08/2015 at 10:36pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

by Burning Love / 03/15/2014 at 3:35am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I twisted my ankle on a mole hill in front of my house. I regularly try to stomp them down so I guess this was retribution. Well played, mole. Well played. FML

by WhoaZombie / 04/18/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2010 at 10:56am / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

by ILTali / 03/03/2009 at 6:00pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2011 at 10:32am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

by Dehydrated / 09/01/2015 at 7:07am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2013 at 1:51am / Money

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

by natalie_sarantos / 12/22/2015 at 10:44pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, it was the day of my wedding. I had a massive headache a couple of hours before the ceremony so I decided to take a nap. I told my brother to wake me up an hour before it started. He forgot. Now everyone thinks I ran out on my wife. FML

by dhskkf / 08/27/2013 at 8:23pm / United States / Love

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2016 at 1:59pm / United States / Health

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

by yeueid / 03/31/2016 at 6:24pm / Estonia / Love

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

by ms piggy / 12/15/2011 at 4:52pm / United States / Health

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2014 at 4:44pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

by Anonymous / 06/14/2015 at 10:40pm / United States / Money

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2010 at 8:54pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

by nicolo / 10/27/2009 at 4:10pm / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

by danskinnow / 10/04/2009 at 10:01pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

by lonelyboy101 / 08/26/2009 at 8:37pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2014 at 9:19pm / Norway (Nordland) / Work

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

by ChimerV / 11/15/2014 at 1:20pm / France (Lorraine) / Work

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