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Today, I refilled a water glass I'd left out on the counter and took a long drink. At the end, I felt something spongy and panicked. When I spit it all out into the sink, a huge centipede was staring back at me. FML

By Anonymous - / Friday 20 July 2018 12:00 / Canada - Ancaster
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By Big Mistake - / Friday 22 June 2018 19:30 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, I was instructed to make the "Staff Orientation and Training Manual" at work. It's my second day here. FML

By Peanutbutter runner - / Friday 22 June 2018 07:00 / Canada - Edmonton
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Today, I came back from my prom and no one was home. I took off my dress, panties, and bra, grabbed the cake I'm not supposed to eat, and went to watch Walking Dead in the living room. My family was there already. FML

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 19 June 2018 23:00 / Canada - Thornhill
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Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML

By FFAce - / Saturday 16 June 2018 13:00 / Canada - Toronto
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By sadCowboysfan - / Wednesday 13 June 2018 19:30 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, a few idiots were fooling around and they knocked down a porta-potty. The thing is, I was in that porta-potty. FML

By H3lmu1 - / Tuesday 5 June 2018 19:49 / Canada - Vancouver
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By snakes44 - / Sunday 27 May 2018 19:00 / Canada - Yellowknife
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By Not paid enough - / Tuesday 15 May 2018 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, I brought my car into the shop because it kept picking up speed on its own and I was panicking. A mere $200 later, it turns out I didn’t put my car mat in right and it was sitting on my gas pedal. FML

By Meganbear - / Wednesday 9 May 2018 09:00 / Canada - Toronto
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By Sweetheart - / Tuesday 8 May 2018 21:00 / Canada - Edmonton
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  Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your ass hairs were so long before." FML

By dereksboo44 - / Wednesday 25 April 2018 23:00 / Canada - Brantford
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Today, I checked my e-mail after being sick for over a week to see that I missed an important email. It said I got the job I applied for, if I responded to the message within 48 hours. FML

By sassy666 - / Monday 23 April 2018 10:00 / Canada - Whitehorse
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Today, based on the significant time I spend at work, my phone is automatically labeling my work destination as my home destination and my home destination as my workplace. FML

By MKfml - / Friday 13 April 2018 12:00 / Canada - Toronto
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By Bbpoor - / Tuesday 10 April 2018 19:30 / Canada - Waterloo
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Today, I tried to remove my contact lens, but it wouldn't budge. Turns out I was pulling on my cornea. I now have a pool of blood in my eye. FML

By Seeing Red - / Wednesday 28 March 2018 13:00 / Canada - Millbrook
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By Broken Heart Girl - / Monday 26 March 2018 10:00 / Canada - New Glasgow
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By To shave or not to shave - / Thursday 15 February 2018 19:30 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of six years with another girl. He tried to apologize, stating that it was because I "look too much like a man". FML

By Jess - / Saturday 10 February 2018 11:00 / Canada - Calgary
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Today, I was having sex with my wife. Halfway through, I had to go to the bathroom, but she complained so I stayed. It was explosive diarrhea. I was on top. FML

By Dr Pepper - / Sunday 28 January 2018 00:00 / Canada
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By sadCowboysfan - / Friday 26 January 2018 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, during my annual performance evaluation, my boss responded to my career goal with, "Pfft! That ain't gonna happen." FML

By ThatGuy - / Thursday 18 January 2018 11:00 / Canada - Edmonton
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By WhoIAm - / Monday 15 January 2018 10:00 / Canada - Salisbury
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Today, I was cleaning up the kitchen after a nice cozy dinner with my boyfriend at his parents' country house. I picked up the bottle of olive oil we'd used for cooking and spotted two dead mice in it. FML

By Lisbeth - / Sunday 7 January 2018 19:30 / Canada - Mascouche
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Today, I finally found out why the water in my bottle had been tasting strangely minty for the past few weeks when I saw a piece of gum sitting at the bottom of it. I don't chew gum. FML

By RobotUnicorn1209 - / Tuesday 21 November 2017 19:30 / Canada - Hamilton
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By BarefootNoMore - / Friday 17 November 2017 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, my horse and I got into a disagreement over the jumps. I thought "we" should be going over them. He thought "I" should be going over them instead. FML

By AkaiKitsune - / Wednesday 15 November 2017 16:30 / Canada - Victoria
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By CathRoy - / Friday 3 November 2017 19:30 / Canada - Sherbrooke
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By Why Dad? - / Saturday 21 October 2017 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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Today, during a romantic shower with my girlfriend, I slipped, fell, and took the both the shower curtain and rod with me. My dignity hurts more than my butt. FML

By "Alex Neiva" - / Monday 16 October 2017 19:30 / Canada - Toronto
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