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Man or woman?

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

#33255
21 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17651) - you deserved it (38732)

On 02/12/2009 at 7:54pm - misc - by SmokedSalmon (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

#32415
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (82908) - you deserved it (10968)

On 02/12/2009 at 5:21pm - misc - by janedoe (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

#30969
23 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39595) - you deserved it (1885)

On 02/12/2009 at 12:19pm - misc - by Johnny on the Spot (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was sitting at home, venting to my parents about how I never get asked out by any of the guys at school. My Dad's words of wisdom were, "Don't worry, looks don't matter so much in college. Once they've had a few beers in them, they'll date anything." FML

#30954
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43941) - you deserved it (3982)

On 02/12/2009 at 12:15pm - misc - by cdaniel2 (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

#30377
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39944) - you deserved it (4748)

On 02/12/2009 at 8:37am - misc - by atterz123 (man) - United Kingdom (Lincolnshire)

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

#30362
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12122) - you deserved it (34094)

On 02/12/2009 at 8:28am - misc - by KWM (man) - United States (West Virginia)

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

#30360
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12034) - you deserved it (53712)

On 02/12/2009 at 8:28am - misc - by a genius (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

#29912
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (163093) - you deserved it (47481)

On 02/12/2009 at 2:45am - misc - by alhummel21 (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML

#29771
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28978) - you deserved it (4600)

On 02/12/2009 at 2:07am - misc - by language barriers (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

#29762
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31618) - you deserved it (5554)

On 02/12/2009 at 2:04am - misc - by rainyday (woman) - United States (California)

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

#29521
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12263) - you deserved it (31097)

On 02/12/2009 at 1:13am - misc - by Mal2222 (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

#29434
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10339) - you deserved it (121242)

On 02/12/2009 at 1:00am - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML

#29334
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15804) - you deserved it (33235)

On 02/12/2009 at 12:45am - misc - by ardenm - United States (California)



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