Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML

by lalalee / 02/18/2009 at 5:59pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

by mediocreboobs / 02/18/2009 at 5:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML

by Noname / 02/18/2009 at 4:55pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

by wnrz / 02/18/2009 at 3:26pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

by Noname / 02/18/2009 at 10:43am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother told me that my father once told her that he was glad she wasn't a red head. He wouldn't have married her if she was because he hates red heads. I am his red-headed daughter. FML

by Nikkalicious16 / 02/18/2009 at 10:26am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

by Thatkid / 02/18/2009 at 9:29am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

by w_t_f / 02/18/2009 at 4:16am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

by fuckthat / 02/18/2009 at 12:08am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

by loser / 02/17/2009 at 6:33pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, the 9th grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

by lene / 02/17/2009 at 4:53pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

by stillsingleladies / 02/17/2009 at 10:27am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

by abbyleigh08 / 02/17/2009 at 2:01am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous