Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

by shit / 01/30/2009 at 11:40pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

by crakbbyaparently / 01/30/2009 at 8:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was "so do you want to keep the mullet?". What mullet?! FML

by Noname / 01/30/2009 at 2:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

by Ren / 01/30/2009 at 10:50am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

by pop_rox / 01/30/2009 at 9:07am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

by IEatDammit / 01/29/2009 at 10:26pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

by blarg / 01/29/2009 at 7:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML

by iFail / 01/29/2009 at 12:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents told me that they received a letter from a prison. Being curious they opened it up and read the entire thing. It was from this girl I randomly met. Now I have a prison stalker and my parents think I date felons. FML

by K Holed / 01/29/2009 at 12:04pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

by wsumt / 01/28/2009 at 8:04pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

by AKN / 01/28/2009 at 7:33pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

by j4y / 01/28/2009 at 7:30pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

by im_a_mocker / 01/28/2009 at 6:35pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous