Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

by Noname / 02/08/2009 at 2:39am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

by Noname / 02/07/2009 at 10:39pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML

by misc / 02/07/2009 at 9:31pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

by Noname / 02/07/2009 at 8:23pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

by notpreggers / 02/07/2009 at 7:54pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

by tarheels526 / 02/07/2009 at 7:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

by facepalmshroomer / 02/07/2009 at 6:24pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

by ChoirGuy / 02/07/2009 at 6:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking down the street with my newly healed implants, when a drag queen approached me and asked who my doctor was, because I was the "most convincing transgender he had ever seen." I'm a woman. FML

by woo. / 02/07/2009 at 4:51pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

by J / 02/07/2009 at 4:16pm / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

by Snow / 02/07/2009 at 3:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

by Noname / 02/07/2009 at 3:42pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

by name50 / 02/07/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous