Today, for my birthday, my brother gave me some of those fake 'Harry Potter' edible cockroaches. I ate one. It wasn't fake. FML

by partygirlxxx / 05/23/2009 at 11:01pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2009 at 9:41pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2009 at 3:37pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was helping some mental health patients at work, I spent 20 mins to fail to connect the DVD player to the TV and went back to make them something to eat. I came back into the room after 5 mins and one of the patients had connected it for himself. He has a profound learning disability. FML

by Tom_why / 05/23/2009 at 3:27pm / United Kingdom (North East Lincolnshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

by Tootsy_Roll_Pop / 05/23/2009 at 12:15pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sisters friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

by bluewinter / 05/23/2009 at 6:53am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

by arrestedgun / 05/23/2009 at 3:37am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

by beavis / 05/23/2009 at 2:20am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

by Sigh / 05/23/2009 at 1:50am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

by onlyme / 05/23/2009 at 1:15am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, while installing a deadbolt on my closet, I did it wrong. It closed but wouldn't lock so I had to re-install it. Sitting on the floor of my closet, I shut it to make sure it was installed correctly. I locked myself in for twenty minutes, home alone, before kicking the door down. FML

by erin3809483 / 05/22/2009 at 8:12pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

by Neverthebride / 05/22/2009 at 6:21pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

by tootles / 05/22/2009 at 4:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous