Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

by hurts / 05/04/2009 at 2:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandma gave me a gift (something she has never done before). I was so excited until I found out it was one of her overdue library books on dolphins. I feel so loved. FML

by hawtpinkpanties / 05/04/2009 at 8:35am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

by kandi / 05/04/2009 at 3:34am / Philippines (Bulacan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

by htothecr / 05/03/2009 at 5:05pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a Bat Mitzvah. We played a game where all of the girls grabbed one of their shoes and placed it in the middle. Then, all of the guys had to pick a shoe. Whatever guy picked the shoe, the girl had to dance with. No one picked my shoe. Everyone else was dancing except for me. FML

by xoxo96 / 05/03/2009 at 4:09pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

by Deirbhile / 05/03/2009 at 12:40pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 12:12am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

by fuckerman / 05/02/2009 at 11:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

by screamo / 05/02/2009 at 4:44pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finished my SAT and was feeling pretty good about it. I decided to turn on my phone, since it was on silent. As the guy was collecting our tests, my phone vibrated a little. My score was cancelled. It was a text from my mom reminding me to turn off my phone. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2009 at 4:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

by systeminitiated / 05/02/2009 at 12:55am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

by smartgirl / 05/01/2009 at 7:48pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous