Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

by traumatized / 06/18/2009 at 1:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at IHOP. When I left, a middle aged man in the parking lot offered me $100 to sleep with him in the dumpsters behind the building. That is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

by Pancakegirl / 06/17/2009 at 8:24pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

by Longhorn2011 / 06/17/2009 at 1:44pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2009 at 1:15pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

by NotSoYoung / 06/17/2009 at 12:35pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked past a building site near my house, there was a sign saying "WARNING - Beware of the scaffolding". I started laughing at the stupidity of the sign, and walked straight into a metal pole. FML

by jonnyc / 06/17/2009 at 9:40am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2009 at 9:03am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

by rileym797 / 06/17/2009 at 2:00am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

by visn / 06/17/2009 at 1:15am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a coffee date. The guy was waiting with coffee to meet me on the patio. I walked up to him, caught my favorite pendant necklace on the table, broke the necklace trying to get it free, and rattled the table so intensely that the guy's coffee spilled all over him. FML

by vintage_vogue / 06/17/2009 at 12:52am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

by Anonymous / 06/16/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML

by Slash / 06/16/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

by Anonymous / 06/16/2009 at 12:07pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous