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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

#4332436
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41684) - you deserved it (6628)

On 08/06/2009 at 11:05am - misc - by Screwupify (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

#4331370
818 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26041) - you deserved it (498665)

On 08/06/2009 at 9:35am - misc - by who_could_it_be - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

#4331157
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63629) - you deserved it (3927)

On 08/06/2009 at 9:14am - misc - by Shopgirl (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I had to come back home early from my holidays. Why? I had asked my grandmother to water my plants, some of which are illegal. Instead of doing it herself, she asked her neighbor... who is a cop. FML

#4330771
190 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20592) - you deserved it (112877)

On 08/06/2009 at 8:27am - misc - by Cowan - Belgium (Oost-Vlaanderen)

Today, I walked into my new maths class. I stepped inside only to be yelled at by the teacher for nearly 15 minutes. I was then told never to enter her class again and was sent to the principal. My identical twin brother was in her class the period before me. He also has a thing for older women. FML

#4329810
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58706) - you deserved it (2832)

On 08/06/2009 at 6:10am - misc - by slamo (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

#4329050
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65277) - you deserved it (2797)

On 08/06/2009 at 4:45am - misc - by whatismydadthinking (woman) - Australia (Australian Capital Territory)

Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML

#4326730
322 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48805) - you deserved it (16158)

On 08/06/2009 at 2:13am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

#4326549
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20338) - you deserved it (42602)

On 08/06/2009 at 2:04am - misc - by PeepShow (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was riding my bike to the local grocery store to pick up some supplies for dinner. On the way down, traveling down a hill, I hit a drain with no lid. I went to grab hold of the nearest object to soften my fall. That nearest object was a barbed wire fence. FML

#4324727
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45867) - you deserved it (3190)

On 08/06/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by Lawrence (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was watching a movie with my new boyfriend. I got tired so I thought it would be cute to fall asleep on him. He woke me up and said "You got me wet" Thinking it was a joke, I said smoothly, "That's what she said" He replied "No really." I looked down, I'd drooled all over his shirt. FML

#4320217
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16409) - you deserved it (36742)

On 08/05/2009 at 10:23pm - misc - by drooler (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

#4317825
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (74684) - you deserved it (2954)

On 08/05/2009 at 8:47pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

#4313444
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52063) - you deserved it (4179)

On 08/05/2009 at 5:27pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

#4312285
280 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61815) - you deserved it (5174)

On 08/05/2009 at 4:30pm - misc - by frustrated - Ireland (Dublin)



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