Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2009 at 8:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

by englishclasshigh / 09/10/2009 at 5:34pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2009 at 12:36pm / United States (Montana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight-now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML

by drugged_on_arrival / 09/10/2009 at 6:55am / Virgin Islands British / Miscellaneous

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2009 at 2:57am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister surprised me by cleaning my room and doing my laundry. She found my journal, condoms and vibrator and decided to share her findings with my family. Oh yes... she also shrunk half my wardrobe. FML

by tawnaciousd / 09/10/2009 at 2:35am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At least, I thought I did, until I woke up to my pants, sheets, and boyfriend all soaking wet. FML

by Embarassed / 09/10/2009 at 1:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

by sadchick / 09/09/2009 at 6:53pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

by Victor / 09/09/2009 at 8:32am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 5:58am / New Zealand (Otago) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 12:27am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

by theboywithlonghair / 09/09/2009 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 12:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous