Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend." FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2009 at 12:28pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

by mnavy / 09/28/2009 at 12:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

by jentown11 / 09/28/2009 at 11:14am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2009 at 11:01am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

by ripfluffy / 09/28/2009 at 3:15am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

by ohcrap / 09/28/2009 at 12:10am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

by alliobamy / 09/28/2009 at 12:09am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I arrived at work at 8, and business was abnormally slow, but we assumed it would pick up. Few hours later, we had not had a single customer. As I walk out of the restaurant, I realize the open sign has been off all day. FML

by Charlotte / 09/28/2009 at 12:03am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2009 at 9:39pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

by thanksbro / 09/27/2009 at 8:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was preparing to perform with my marching band at a competition. Right before we went on, a tuba player friend of mine offered to help me stretch. He wound up snapping my bra. I'm a drum major, and had to conduct the entire show while my boobs were falling out. FML

by commando / 09/27/2009 at 6:03pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

by stalker / 09/27/2009 at 1:24pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

by absentmindedmoron / 09/27/2009 at 11:59am / United Kingdom (Peterborough) / Miscellaneous