Today, I found out about my sister's insanely detailed plan to abduct my one-year-old son and raise him as her own on another continent. All my mom did was tell me not to worry because she can't afford to move that far away. FML

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

by HolyRavioli / 03/21/2016 at 1:37pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

by Delicious / 03/20/2016 at 10:09pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

by I hate my brother / 03/20/2016 at 2:53pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2016 at 11:58am / Germany (Berlin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2016 at 2:24am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go Home, it's your day off..." Walk of Shame. FML

by RandomTurtle109 / 03/19/2016 at 8:40am / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate used my PC without asking. Long story short, it's now infected with ransomware. The dissertation I've been working on for months is now encrypted, along with all the backups on my second hard drive. Now I have to pay the hackers $1,500 to get the decryption key. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2016 at 8:30am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

by fml_anon / 03/19/2016 at 4:33am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2016 at 2:10am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

by billjoebob424 / 03/18/2016 at 9:18pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2016 at 4:57pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

by suppressinggags / 03/18/2016 at 3:45pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous