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Man or woman?

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

#21501049
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19936) - you deserved it (1573)

On 12/07/2015 at 8:28am - misc - by anonymous - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was using a wooden toothpick to try to get at some food that was firmly lodged between my teeth. The toothpick broke and now I also have a splinter of wood jammed in there too. FML

Today, at my wedding reception, my wife's Grandfather decided to sing for everyone. The first words out of his mouth once he got the microphone were, "I'm a Senior Swinger." I had to explain to my appalled guests that it was just the name of the chorus group at his retirement home. FML

#21500533
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20514) - you deserved it (1743)

On 12/05/2015 at 8:46pm - misc - by ohnohedidnt (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML

#21500495
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19914) - you deserved it (3852)

On 12/05/2015 at 6:15pm - misc - by Anon - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my phone fell down the toilet while flushing, good news is that it had a waterproof case, bad news is that I don't know where it went. FML

#21500400
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20308) - you deserved it (3039)

On 12/05/2015 at 1:02pm - misc - by OneOnJuanAction - United States

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

#21500277
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20424) - you deserved it (2091)

On 12/05/2015 at 1:49am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

#21500257
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21821) - you deserved it (6018)

On 12/05/2015 at 12:44am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

#21500213
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21915) - you deserved it (1595)

On 12/04/2015 at 10:55pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

#21500058
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26242) - you deserved it (2689)

On 12/04/2015 at 3:36pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

#21500015
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16648) - you deserved it (12086)

On 12/04/2015 at 12:50pm - misc - by shake666 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

#21499913
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24493) - you deserved it (1574)

On 12/04/2015 at 2:14am - misc - by Anon - United States (California)

Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML

#21499888
6 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21634) - you deserved it (2277)

On 12/04/2015 at 12:41am - misc - by notfromanisland -

Today, I was told that the cutoff date for dropping out of one of my classes was last Friday. Which would have been fine if the school website had the right information when I checked it last Friday. They're ignoring my screenshots proving as such. FML



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