Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

by Me myself & I / 04/18/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

by Notpunny / 04/18/2016 at 6:58pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2016 at 3:28pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

by empress gleskizor the third of glarkon / 04/18/2016 at 2:12pm / Hungary (Budapest) / Miscellaneous

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

by killme.jpeg / 04/17/2016 at 9:04pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

by MasterMcrib / 04/17/2016 at 4:33pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

by Kendall14159 / 04/17/2016 at 4:09pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

by rhiannakirwan / 04/17/2016 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I wasn't going to be a father. My best friend is going to be the father to my girlfriend's child, though. FML

by zefronke8 / 04/17/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2016 at 1:27pm / Austria (Wien) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2016 at 7:52am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

by Finding Kemo / 04/16/2016 at 3:12pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

by fuck's sake / 04/16/2016 at 6:54am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous