Today, I finally filed the divorce papers I was putting off for weeks. This is my third divorce. After my first husband cheated on me, and my second husband and I learned we had VERY different views, now my third husband is cheating on me with his fiancee. I'm a marriage counselor. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19877) - you totally deserved it (5654)
On 11/12/2009 at 12:14am - misc - by akward411 (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
I agree. You are one marriage counselor I would definitely NOT go to, especially if the advice you give your 'patients'/'clients'/whatever is the same advice you give yourself. Curious to know your ratio of marriages saved to marriages destroyed.
#19 - On 11/12/2009 at 7:27am by sunsetxcrash
now what the hell you got married and then found out you had different views??? i would think the process should go something like,
Meet someone
decide you like them and have the same values
get hitched
STEPS 2 AND 3 ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE!!
#39 - On 11/12/2009 at 10:44am by suaveneanderthal
^ This is the truth. Also, take a look at yourself in these relationships. The first AND third husband cheated on you? Are all three of them saying the same things about you? If so, listen to them.
#43 - On 11/12/2009 at 11:12am by GreenHacker
While I agree with you, it could have been something like how he feels is best to parent kids. It may not come up in depth before marriage. You can always be surprised about people. It's one of the sad parts of relationships.
#60 - On 11/12/2009 at 1:48pm by Intoxicunt
I agree with Intoxicunt, although I hope they had the potential parenting conversation before actually having kids. There are all sorts of things that don't come up when you're dating. My aunt and uncle got divorced because they found out that she couldn't have kids. He didn't want to adopt; he wanted his own children. Ergo, divorce. How was she supposed to know that she couldn't have kids? Most people don't get tested unless there's a problem. It's just a sucky situation, and I doubt that their viewpoints on adoption as a "what-if" situation ever entered the equation while dating or even marriage. Most people don't plan for things like that.
#83 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:04pm by RyeBreadBoy
your aunt and uncle got married without discussing his views on adopting? sounds pretty hasty and irresponsible. like everyone keeps saying, people should talk about things like that BEFORE getting married
#84 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:24pm by catwest8686
Remember the part about the aunt NOT KNOWING she can't have kids? They had the kid talk apparently, they just didn't know she wasn't able. Neither even thought adoption would ever take place in the family, I guess. I hear many adoptive families don't adopt until they've already had their own kids, so in cases like those the topic wouldn't come up until later.
I think it was a bitch move of him to leave her over it though, but the point is adoption doesn't really come up during the dating years unless it is of dire importance to one of them, like me, for example; I'd rather adopt instead of have kids, and since it's ... "tradition" I guess will be the word I use... to birth children, I'll mention this when the kids topic comes up.
#89 - On 11/12/2009 at 7:32pm by DameGreyWulf
Although it's a stretch to say they were "hasty" to get married before talking about adopting, I think the point here is that people really SHOULD talk about this stuff. It's a good start to discuss all the "normal" things, like if you have the same views on having/raising kids, but as pretty much every human alive can tell you, life doesn't always go as planned. Sure, you can't discuss EVERY POSSIBLE situation that might ever occur in your lifetimes, but infertility's not that uncommon.
I do NOT claim to be a relationship expert (certainly not a marriage counselor), but I'll say one thing I've learned: relationships are always fine and good when things are going right. It's how you react together to the things that go WRONG that tell you if you will make it or not. It's depressing, but it's important to address potential bad situations so that you have a better idea of your relationship's staying power.
Intoxicunt - while you're right (many people don't discuss those things before marriage), they should. "It didn't come up" doesn't seem excusable to me.
To RyeBreadBoy - your uncle was an idiot. The marriage vows say that you promise to stay together for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Obviously your aunt's husband wasn't interested in sticking round for the "worse". I want my own kids but there's no way I'd divorce my husband if he had such a low sperm count I couldn't get pregnant. I didn't marry him for kids, I married him coz I love him. That is not a legitimate reason to get divorced.
And apparently her first husband cheated on her second husband...??
#33 - On 11/12/2009 at 9:34am by BeeSkwaird
Maybe you need to find a man who isnt a cheater. Either that, or maybe youre driving them to cheat by not putting out or being a bitch.
Either way, you need to do SOMETHING differently.
Your third husband is cheating on you with his fiance? Sounds a bit nuts. I take it you've separated if he's had the time to find himself a new fiance?
Close. His fiancée, not his fiancé. Two very different things.
#34 - On 11/12/2009 at 9:37am by BeeSkwaird
I won't be coming to you for any advice, you obvisiously can't keep a man let alone work on your own marriage. Either bad choice of men or u just rush into marriage.
Just because their personal life is a mess, doesn't mean she isn't any good at her job.
#69 - On 11/12/2009 at 4:18pm by Sun_Kissed18
Sunkissed,her job involves the same aspect of her personal life that is failing!
#100 - On 11/13/2009 at 12:51am by diablonegro
Well, actually, it is kinda good because you know what it is like to have these problems. You can understand peoples marriage problems better which means you can be a better counsler ;)
#10 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:35am by itouchguy360
....yeh cos thats logical, she keeps repeating the same mistake therefore not learning from it, and thus is the perfect person to go to when facing the same issue...
#14 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:58am by organisedchaos
How the hell are a marraige counselor if you can't keep a steady marraige yourself?
#11 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:36am by iheartjustinsane
I would say you have plenty of experience to do your job well but evidently either it still isn't enough or you don't learn from them.
"This is my third divorce."
I hit YDI before reading the rest.
#13 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:43am by InfectedWithDrew
Heh, you are obviously very bad in bed. Otherwise, a man would not cheat on you. Go learn to be more than just a pillow.
haha try taking some of your own advice. if it doesn't work then maybe you do need to switch fields
the doctors never claim to be sick, do they?
#16 - On 11/12/2009 at 7:02am by hXcsoccerplaya
They're idiots? Ever think maybe she's just impossible to tolerate?
#18 - On 11/12/2009 at 7:24am by sunsetxcrash
I disagree sometimes we do better for others than we do fo ourselves!
#20 - On 11/12/2009 at 7:43am by Cristaderzi
Exactly!
Also, just because you're unhappy in a marriage isn't an excuse to cheat on your spouse. Those men were still wrong in what they did, and I don't think she is responsible for it.
Perhaps YDI, perhaps not. Can't really tell without more info.
It COULD be that as a marriage councillor you overanalyse your relationship to the point that the man can't stand it and does one of the things you said.
Or it could just be you have terrible taste in guys.
Or it might just be your one hella unlucky women.
See, now I would never do that to ya (assuming your hot), I would introduce you to my wife straight up and try get a threesome. ;)
why did you marry the second guy without really knowing each other? You realized after the marriage that you both had very different views!!! I think you like being married and jump into it without thinking. Three failed marriages is pretty bad.
#22 - On 11/12/2009 at 7:57am by patticake1601
you know what? I'll bet you're probably a pretty good marriage counselor too. The thing about counselor's is that they have perspective and can tell you when you're being an idiot in a marriage from the outside. When it's your own life it's a lot harder to get that perspective. So yeah, f your life, but maybe YOU could use some counseling yourself.
THAT SENTENCE NEEDS COMMAS. Damn.
"After my first husband cheated on me, and my second husband and I learned we had VERY different views, now my third husband is cheating on me with his fiancee."
All better.
Anyway, he's probably pissed at you for putting off the divorce papers if he's getting married.
Why do people write so much useless shit into FMLs and then leave out what we need to know:
"Today, I finally filed the divorce papers I was putting off for weeks. This is my third divorce." can be written as "Today, I filed for my third divorce." So we can find out more about the second husband etc.
#25 - On 11/12/2009 at 8:03am by pointerdog
It's easiest to give advice to other people than to take it. :)
#26 - On 11/12/2009 at 8:21am by marshmallowmouse
This isn't unusual at all. Many mental health professionals went into the field in the first place to get help with their own problems. They are not hypocrites, their problems actually give them more empathy for their patients.
So, is your third husband also cheating on his fiancee with you? Or has that bastard become suddenly faithful and start withholding the meat from you?
You should describe yourself as a "Me too" Counsellor. Empathy a speciality. Good advice not available.
#29 - On 11/12/2009 at 8:53am by wellinever
You know, after the second time, you probably should have got the hint that it was something about YOU.
#32 - On 11/12/2009 at 9:31am by capthavoc123
I'm not surprised that you're a marriage counselor. I know a lot of psychologists who are f'ed in the head as well. I've found a lot of people who have problems, tend to choose careers that mirror their personal issues.
#35 - On 11/12/2009 at 10:01am by broomstick
Your marriages are not the problem. You just don't know how to choose the right guy in the first place!
#36 - On 11/12/2009 at 10:15am by intensitive
Actually, one very interesting little bit of psychological evaluation regarding a person's choice of how they desire to live is that sometimes a person decides that they "should" help others in a certain regard because they don't want to see someone treated in the same way that they were. Of course, that isn't necessarily the case here, but it's something to consider.
Now let's get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem. You do not appear to be ready for marriage (yet). Each of your marriage failures contains the following two messages - the first is that it doesn't appear that you really know your mate as well as you thought you did, while the second is that you either have a tendency towards rash decision-making or that you allow others to pressure you into making rash decisions. Mind you, both of these actions can be so utterly subconscious (and possibly affected by other mitigating personality quirks, such as neediness) that you don't even realize that you're committing them. What exacerbates these problems is the fact that you not only don't appear to have learned from previous experience(s), but that you continue to make the same decision without even considering the consequences of such a bold leap.
Take a step back and think to yourself before you act upon such things when the opportunity rises - if you find yourself pondering for a length of time, then chances are that you may need to consider why you're pondering something to such a degree (this may take digging) and just say no in the meantime. While it does carry the possibility of missing the occasional opportunity, an ounce of prevention is still more than worth a pound of cure. In fact, it had the potential to save you the trouble of three crashed marriages.
#38 - On 11/12/2009 at 10:23am by blastvortex
don't sign the papers ... then he and his fiancé can't legally marry. He screwed you now you screw him.
#40 - On 11/12/2009 at 10:52am by No_fyl_cuz_ydi
YDI. With three failed marriages, you clearly aren't ready to be getting married. QUIT IT.
#42 - On 11/12/2009 at 11:09am by deaditegirl
ok FYL but also YDI it in a sense, i voted both. i mean the first marriage, im sorry that happened. it happens...second marriage that's your fault for never discussing your views BEFORE you got married. and the third guy you just didn't know anything about now did you? dont be obsessive with your boyfriends and husbands but at least keep tabs on them enough to know they dont have a whole nother girlfriend they proposed to and everything.
#45 - On 11/12/2009 at 11:44am by Scotticus117
Fail x 3, The same curiosity that makes me slow down and look at a bad car wreak makes me want to hear some marital advice from you.
#46 - On 11/12/2009 at 11:46am by CallMeHush
So you marriage idiots before you really come to know them? YDI x3
#47 - On 11/12/2009 at 12:00pm by AntiChrist7
they say cheating is a result of emotional neglect. Perhaps you are putting other people's problems before your husband(s)?
I think it's pretty apparent that marriage counseling is a crock. Sometime you just have to cut your losses and move on. Some marriages are just irreparable. Counseling only goes so far. Both parties need to be on board in order to save the marriage, or else it's of no use.
Perhaps you should have brought in a third party rather than try to fool yourself into thinking you have all the answers.
You could be very good at your job, regardless of your apparent inability to maintain a relationship. In fact, it's possible that you spend way too much time at work, and this is why your relationships (at least 1 and 3) failed. It's said that psychiatrists are often the ones most likely to see other psychiatrists. Counseling people and being able to assess your own problems and failings are two completely different things. Also, just because something works for your clients does not mean that it will work for you. In the future, perhaps consider involving an objective marriage counselor to find out where the problem is. Doctors with heart problems don't treat themselves, even if they're cardiologists. It's silly to think that because you can give other people advice, you can take care of your own without help. Obviously you can't. Get advice from someone objective.
#54 - On 11/12/2009 at 1:08pm by RyeBreadBoy
something tells me you aren't exactly qualified for that job..well, you can't really help the 2 that cheated on you..but the one where you discovered you had very different views? normally you know those kind of things about a person BEFORE you marry them.
Duh.
#57 - On 11/12/2009 at 1:22pm by starzchick
It sounds like you run into marriages way too fast. Maybe this is a sign that you're in the wrong field. I, for one, would not want relationship advice from someone who can't even stay in a relationship for one reason or another. It either shows you like to rush into things too quickly or you don't know how to maintain a marriage.
You should get your money back from the institution that you received your degree from. You were ripped off.
#59 - On 11/12/2009 at 1:38pm by Spaceghost77
I am thinking that that isn't a good field to go into. My uncle is a marriage counselor and he is on his 4th marriage.
#61 - On 11/12/2009 at 2:00pm by YourNameHere89
You're a hypocrite as a marriage counselor if you and your second husband ended it because of different views. You're supposed to help people work through their differences.
Marriage counselors always advise divorce. That's how they get repeat customers, when those people make the same mistake again and again and the counselor gets called back for another round of drama. If they actually saved marriages they would run out of customers.
#68 - On 11/12/2009 at 4:05pm by I_am_stupid_also
Stop getting married for awhile, ur doin it wrong.
Dating is so there are no surprises during marriage....
That sucks, but you deserve it. How about GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE before you jump into marriage? You fail at life. The first one was out of your control. The second one UMM MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED long enough, so you'd learn about that fatal incompatibility. The third one.. you'd think you'd learn to WAIT BEFORE RUSHING INTO SHIT. It's your own damn fault.
#72 - On 11/12/2009 at 4:32pm by noshitsherlock
How is it her fault? Her husbands are dumbass's. Why would they propose before they even get to know her, that's pretty damn stupid, haha. In case you didn't know, women aren't the one proposing dumbass :)
#75 - On 11/12/2009 at 4:40pm by scateice
Actually, these days some women do propose to men. Usually because the man doesn't seem like he's ever going to pop the question, but not always. However, if your guy proposes after four dates, you might want to tell him "no", because you don't feel that you know one another well enough. You shouldn't just say "yes" because someone proposes. Therefore, the OP still could've taken the time to get to know him better, so maybe the incompatibility would've been discovered earlier.
#82 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:01pm by RyeBreadBoy
scatiece - um, just coz the husbands proposed doesn't mean she had to say yes. She's equally as stupid as they were.
Women cheat alot too..not just guys, it's human nature in some people.
#76 - On 11/12/2009 at 4:43pm by tacosrawesome77
I say it's probably your fault. Since you're a marriage counselor, I can imagine you think you know everything about marriage and that's why you've been married three times.
Hoe.
#79 - On 11/12/2009 at 4:56pm by Abbster987
It's always ironic how these things tend to happen. My boyfriend's step dad is thousands of dollars in debt with several credit card companies... and he's a financial advisor.
Glad someone else pointed out this phenomenon. There are a lot of people in the world who can give amazing advice, but not apply a single bit of it to themselves.
I think that is because it's easy to tell someone what to do, but it's hard to do it yourself, even if you know it's what you /should/ do.
Funny how life goes.
#92 - On 11/12/2009 at 8:04pm by DameGreyWulf
Can you see a pattern beginning to emerge, here? Perhaps you are subconsciously selecting males who are unsuitable. You are choosing the wrong people, possibly on perceptions that they are strong, or based on looks, or even pheromonal attraction. Next time, try selecting on the basis of good character, checking out their belief system, and don't be too quick to tie the knot.
#88 - On 11/12/2009 at 6:45pm by CLICKHEREx
Wow.
Fail.
You need to get to know people before you get married, yeah? Maybe stop rushing into things...?
fyl because it sounds like your ownHUSBAND doesnt even know where you work so he can avoid bumping into you with his FIANCEE. sounds like the communication in the relationships are not good at all. i just cant figure out how did this happend lol
#104 - On 11/13/2009 at 3:07am by krazysexxykul
YDI because you're supposed to know better than to marry someone without knowing them well enough... I bet you get married on a whim a month or so after getting to know someone, didn't you? Why don't you get your head out of your ass and realize that people aren't always as they seem. Stop counseling people and go find someone with a real degree to lick your wounds...
Hey, I think I've seen you on TV before. On some sitcom about a group of friends....can't quite remember what it was called. But yeah, you used to be a man back then too.
Sucks about Husbands #1 and #3, but what was with #2?? That sounds like a YDI. How can you marry someone and only realise you have very different views AFTER marriage? Did you not go to marriage counselling or something?? Or did you only date for 3 months before getting married? Geez.
As they say- "The carpenter's door is always crooked, and the cobbler's son is always shoeless."
#112 - On 11/13/2009 at 4:01pm by threestallsdown
My ex-step dad was a locally-famous gardener. Our yard looked like shit.
#113 - On 11/14/2009 at 7:32pm by JessiGoose
being a marriage therapist dosnt mean your realationships are going to work out. They are personale relationships that have nothing to do with your work. so dont be so down on yourself. just ask yourself why you men keep cheating on you..hell you should ask them. its probly because you always tell them how you hate cheaters or whatever...that just makes it more fun.
I can see how you could be good at your job but have shitty relationships yourself. IT's always easier to give advice and see the things that should be done when you are not the one emotionally attatched.
It could just be shitty circumstances for your relationships, or maybe you do have tendancies to do certain things after your married? Try to look at your relationships like you would a clients.
Maybe the figure you've got all of the relationship problems worked out since you're a councilor on the subject, or maybe they're too intimidated to bring up issues themselves because it's in your profession.
