Today, I had to rub my turtle's anus with a wet Q-tip, which is supposed to help with his constipation. I think he liked it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (44770) - you totally deserved it (6499)
On 06/02/2009 at 3:07am - misc - by haniii (woman) - United States (California)
(0)Do you realize it's probably extremely hard for turtles to masturbate?
You were probably really doing him a favor. Twice.
#12 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:14am by redbluegreen
(0)If it's a land turtle leave a little pool of water for them to climb into- water room temp. They should always have this it keeps them from getting plugged up!!!!
(0)LOL I can just imagine the turtle squeeling in joy.
But how is this an FML?
#16 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:18am by bishoprsv2
(0)#16,
hes scarred for life because his turtle is gettin more then he is ;) lol
#18 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:20am by fcukstylez
(0)If you can't give pleasure to girls, then at least you can always fall back on turtles and q-tips
#20 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:23am by fatfaceunited
(0)HAHAHA, Wow. This made me laugh so hard.
You should have effed it. :D
#21 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:25am by Maddisonboii
(0)Amusing... you must have had a whole lot of fun with that on your 'to do' list that day, har har.
#22 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:26am by tagyoureit
(0)I would have jacked the turtle off as well. But thats just me.
#31 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:35am by Maddisonboii
(0)How do u know he liked it? Did he get a huge boner? Hahaha
#44 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:47am by sirmixalot
(0)haha #8, I think your turtle liked thes fact you were fixing his constipation nothing sexual
#46 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:49am by fml_fiend91
(0)I think your turtle will be getting constipated more often ;)
#48 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:50am by ClintSintim
(0)Maybe u shoulda recorded it & put it on YouTube..it probably could get u famous
#49 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:52am by SlyCooper601
(0)Lol its not an fml because you need to take care of your pets but its hilarious ?
#59 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:03am by killerswimmer
(0)Did you talk dirty to it? Maybe gave it a back rub...
#64 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:08am by DarkMirror
(0)You have to do what you have to do to make your turtle happy.
#70 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:14am by gymnasty2233
(0)This is another one of those "who gives a shit" FMLs...seriously, who the hell lets these through?
#72 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:17am by greatnt249
(0)..Did you like it?
Lmfao, that is actually funny though.
#77 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:27am by CourtneyDanielle
(0)Pshhh loser you have a turtle, what all ur friends ditch u god ugh u make me sick (i have a low IQ as you can probably tell)
(0)I know how you feel!! I have two baby raccoons and, until their eyes open, you have to do that to make them urinate and defecate Every Time you bottle feed them (which is like 6 times a day at the moment!!)...and they make a hilarious (yet disturbing) cooing noise the whole time you're doing it......You have to admit though, using a paper towel/Qtip is Far Better than licking their 'areas' like their mother would do in the wild!!! (BaRf!!!) :oP
(+2)Well, did he at least light up a cigarette afterward?
#89 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:49am by meadowlark
(0)sorry guys i'll catch up with you later... i have to go give my turtle a rim job with a q-tip....
haha #34 good one :)
#92 - On 06/02/2009 at 11:50am by monkey_around
(0)First, best laugh I have had all day. Second, thats nothing compaired to "takin care" of a male iguana!
and now the real advice:
The causes of constipation are in the diet. This is easy to diagnose. If you notice that you have been feeding your turtle and nothing comes out, he might be constipated. The frequency of the stools depends on the frequency of feeding and the types of food taken. As a general rule, if you see your turtle is kicking his tale with her rear leggs and hasn't had a bowel movement for a while, you might suspect constipation. Put him in a container with warmer water than your regular tank temperature. The warmer temperature will induce a bowel movement. If nothing happens, then wait about 5 hours and try again. Vary the diet of the turtle, don't feed him the same item all the time.
(0)This is fucken gay. It's worse then the one where someone woke up and it was Monday. How do these things get on here?
(0)Meh, you take on the responsibility of a pet, you take on all these lovely little extras that come with it ;D
EW! EW MAN! That's.... EWWWWWWWWWWW!! This is just NASTYYY! Turtles are grosse as it is! Someone said turtle mothers lick their asses in the wild?! WTF! What about diseases?
FYL if your turtle liked and if you ACTUALLY knew this (assuming you raped your turtle or something) =S
#117 - On 06/02/2009 at 12:36pm by addicted2hotpink
(0)ugh. now ur just posting an fml to post something.
pointless.
not an fml
you cant tell if a turtle is turned on
and ugh.
#118 - On 06/02/2009 at 12:36pm by Phoenix_GAD
#131 are you FREAKING serious?! Turtles breathe through their asses? What about their noses?!
WTF is that ... LMFAO! That's f***ed up in sooooooooo many ways... EW!
#132 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:03pm by addicted2hotpink
(0)Im dead serious!!! They breathe through both ends i guess. Its a little crazy. And very gross but still funnyyy.
(0)Yeah, because turtles are so well know for telling when something turns them on... *eye roll*
#134 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:08pm by Morgane324
(0)That's pretty nasty I think you enjoyed it not the turtle. gross....
#136 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:09pm by JiggleJugJug
(0)LMFAO!!! ILY #131!!! That's freaking awesome!! BTDubs, #14, wouldn't a "land turtle" be a tortise? I used to have one and I never heard it called a "land turtle"....
#138 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:19pm by Sweet_child_NOT
(0)Hmmm isn't that a vet's job? And how do you know he liked it? Ewwwwww
#140 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:32pm by miss_majesty
(0)Wow...I just pictured this whole scenario in my head...ew
#142 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:34pm by jewelz1188
#133 i'm curious... Their breathing is like... farts? or.. what? It's just ... baffeling =I
#147 - On 06/02/2009 at 1:44pm by addicted2hotpink
(0)Not really a fml.... Closest would be a fhl for that being the best he can hope for in captivity. Not that I'm saying people shouldn't have turtles but it's just basic petcare and not as bad even as a cat or dog.
(0)Oh god, I got such boners,
just thinking of giving a turtle anal just turns me on so much.
you freak, >.
(0)I have to clean my cats butt cuz he is too fat to reach it.. He finds it kinky.. I know how u feel :(
(0)Better for the turtle to like it then for him to fight you. Imagin what could have happened with that qtip had the turtle made the wrong move?
#168 - On 06/02/2009 at 2:57pm by punkazzneon
(0)ok, this is absolutely isane. Gross, but hilarious. And how exactly is one supposed to know when a turtle is turned on?
(0)Your fml should be more along of the lines of today, I rubbed my turtle's anus with a q-tip...and I actually gave a shit to see if he liked it
(0)THANK GOD
I'm so glad that this wasn't another "that was the most action I had in a year" type FMLs.
(0)I had to do this with a baby kitten i was nursing, but it shit its diahrea all over me after.
so doing it to a turtle, not so bad.
and im with you #185
#188 - On 06/02/2009 at 3:46pm by lazyyygirl
(0)#132, 147
"Aquatic respiration. As far as in known, all chelids have cloacal bursae (Smith and James, 1958). These are two large diverticula arising from the side of the cloaca. The cloacal bursae are almost certainly an organ of gas exchange in water. In other words, the turtles can respire through their bums. All chelids are probably able to meet at least some of their gas exchange requirements (oxygen in, carbon dioxide out) through cloacal respiration, but none can meet all of their requirements this way. In addition to cloacal repiration, chelids can also breath though their lungs and probably through their skin. The morphology of the interior lining of the cloacal bursae is probably a rough guide as to how much of their total repiration is carried out through the bursae. Some species have relatively smooth linings whereas others have highly evaginated linings, the projects providing a very extensive surface area for gas exchange."
Greer, A.E. 2006. Encyclopedia of Australian Reptiles. Australian Museum Online
http://www.amonline.net.au/herpetology/research/encyclopedia.pdf Version date: 7 August
2006.
(0)How the fuck would you know if the turtle liked it?
#194 - On 06/02/2009 at 3:58pm by technobutterfly
(0)I'm sry if u were traumatized by inadvertantly pleasuring ur pet turtle, but it's seriously fucking hilarious; I agree, FYL
#195 - On 06/02/2009 at 3:59pm by FuBballspieler
(0)This is by far the dumbest fml I've ever read. You are an idiot to think that rubbing your turtles ass is worthy of your life being fucked. Grow up dumbass
(0)Way too funny. You're lucky, it's illegal to have a turtle where I'm from.
#200 - On 06/02/2009 at 4:10pm by ahoyahoyhoy
(0)I have a pet turtle too. They're just the cutest things. The FML was really funny, but you're life isn't fucked!
(0)Or it's because it was doing it's job and helping the turtle u moron, plus The only way u would know if ur turtle was turned is if u had experience
#202 - On 06/02/2009 at 4:20pm by slacker37815
(0)Go perv turtel!
Like others have said, it must take a looong time to masturbate for him, so u really did him a favor, that naughty little thing.
(0)You don't say enough information. Did you like it? Did it get a boner? Did YOU get a boner? Haha LOL jk
#209 - On 06/02/2009 at 4:37pm by dalipetrov
(0)the turtle should've FML instead of you , it's his guilty pleasure .
#212 - On 06/02/2009 at 4:41pm by Zero2Sixty
(0)lmfao, just the fact that it was a turtle made it sound cute
#213 - On 06/02/2009 at 4:43pm by youswallow
(0)That reminds me of the "turtle rapes shoe" video on Youtube haha...did it start making weird noises? xP
(0)Well, that sucks but props to you for taking proper care of your pets at least.
#220 - On 06/02/2009 at 5:01pm by nuga
(0)WTF. How would you know If a turtle liked it. Did he tell you !? No, I don't think he did. Otherwise he is a pretty fucking magical turtle.
(0)Oh for God's sake..they should really stop letting 11 year olds get on this site. If you're older than that and still writing humorless crap like this, then your life is truly fucked.
#226 - On 06/02/2009 at 5:24pm by DeadMansCrack
(0)F ur turtles life or maybe ur life cause u had to stick a qui tip up a turtles ass
#230 - On 06/02/2009 at 5:31pm by leetsalamie
(0)How the hell would u kno if he liked it and how did u rub the q tip like did u try and make him feel good
#232 - On 06/02/2009 at 5:37pm by normanhassen
(0)I don't know what's more disturbing- the fact that he liked it or the fact that you knew he liked it.
(0)How do you know when a turtle is horny? And how does that help it's ass?
#250 - On 06/02/2009 at 6:20pm by XxSidney87xX
(0)haaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahaha
who wouldnt like that!??!!!
jk
#255 - On 06/02/2009 at 6:38pm by mariellestrings
(0)so did you two at least go out for breakfast the morning after?
#256 - On 06/02/2009 at 6:40pm by malcolm1919
(0)tank- 27$, turtle-6$, box of q-tips, 3$, using the box of q-tips to rub your turtles anus, priceless.
#262 - On 06/02/2009 at 6:55pm by staffer
Yeah, I think you may have liked it, or it wouldn't even have crossed your mind that he may have. Besides, you'd like it if your constipation went away too!
#264 - On 06/02/2009 at 6:57pm by shiikitty
(0)Not even funny. THere's no way you could tell your turtle was turned on. Therefore, you're the creep who was thinking about it.
Maybe you just haven't been laid in awhile and want to thing that you have the ability to turn ANYTHING on
#266 - On 06/02/2009 at 6:58pm by misssweetie
(0)this is truly one of the most original fmls ive ever read! thanks for making my day :D! sry abt the situation though lol
(0)Um ok.... This isn't an fml... It was your turtle, not you
#280 - On 06/02/2009 at 8:04pm by judgmentalbear
(0)Thats not an fml so what if turtles like being aroused
#281 - On 06/02/2009 at 8:05pm by nabildxhomer
(0)you know the saying awkward turtle?
this applies...
#283 - On 06/02/2009 at 8:09pm by secretsxsecrets
(0)So what.... It's only an FML is you found out he wouldnt've done the same for you. =]
#285 - On 06/02/2009 at 8:11pm by theillusionary
(0)this is possibly one of the funniest FMLs ive ever heard. but wouldnt you also like it if you suddenly became unconstipated?
(0)Wtf...
Well good job for being responsible and putting up with such things anyway.
#293 - On 06/02/2009 at 8:51pm by lifeislife
(0)I had to do that with my turtle. An hour later, my dog ate it.
#294 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:10pm by CurdledMilk
Damn what are u gonna do next give your turtle a rimjob your a wierdo
#295 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:11pm by 2G00D2BGR8
(0)Ahahaha I hope your turtle is a chick... Cuz if it's a guy... Ouch
#298 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:19pm by cyclingman
(0)I laughed so bloody hard at this, you've no idea.
Applause
#300 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:25pm by ILikeTuhtles
(0)How the hell would you know if he liked it? Besides, what really matters is if you like it...
Ming Ming!
(0)WOAH apperently your turtle has been having any action since he left the pet shop / river with you...
#304 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:42pm by xoxcassandraaxox
(0)You are fucking stupid. How would you know your turtle was evn constipated in the first place.
#308 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:45pm by lilyungmatt
(0)post it on YouTube the next time you have to do it. It'll go VIRAL!!!!!
#309 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:46pm by Mythbusterma
(0)ahaha that made my day.
i seriously peed a little when I read this.
#314 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:58pm by swimmerrrcoco
(0)It's sensitive for males. Imagine it's the same for turtles.
#315 - On 06/02/2009 at 9:58pm by machoflaco
(0)i mean how can you tell? did it actually start screaming "harder, baby! oh yea! OH YEA!"
kudos to you, buddy.
#318 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:10pm by razzlemyfrazzle
(0)Whoa! How deep in did you go? Jk. Maybe he liked it cuz he wasnt constipated anymore.
#320 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:15pm by socknightmar
(0)Haha jizz in his pants...or would it be shell? Hmmm
#321 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:16pm by colossal_bitch04
(0)I once had turtle and they loved sex they over 100! Babys and the pet store said they went suppost to have babies and wouldn't take them.
#327 - On 06/02/2009 at 10:33pm by clusmymaster
(0)Well this is proof! Some people say animals can't be homosexuals. BULLCRAP! This is pure proof that this person has a gay turtle. Unless all animals like to have their craphole rubbed by a wet Q-tip?
#354 - On 06/03/2009 at 12:02am by YungMarlon23
(0)137- some are tortoise and have you ever heard of a " box turtle " ? As for some of you others have you ever had a turtle??????? How can you say they are dirty and gross? At least they don't lick there butts like cats or dogs! And they do have quiet a personality and are the smartest reptile! They do show affection in there own way!!!!!! Mine loves to have her head petted ( save it you sickos ) and she will actually watch you from her tank and try to "beg" for other food (bananas, tomatoes, and strawberries) if she doesn't like what she's been given!
(0)I'm sure the OP was just joking when they said they think their turtle liked it. Anyway, turtles are cute! But how does one get constipated?
(0)You only wrote this cause you want 2 touch some1s ass
#367 - On 06/03/2009 at 1:01am by ihrtcheese
(0)WTF do u have a pet turtle for anyway? And y do u pay that much attention to it's shitting patterns? LOL fail....YDI
(0)You are all idiots turtles don't get turned on, THEY LAY EGGS, and the male turtles fertilize the eggs. As far as I know there is no pleasure in that. Your poor turtle was probably in pain.
#382 - On 06/03/2009 at 2:44am by BreezyPear
Wow you're an asshole, you just wanted an excuse to post something, FYL how bout that? Write a story about how you have to write fake stories to sound cool...fucking child....
#389 - On 06/03/2009 at 8:42am by dphilipson
(0)well i think you're the one who liked it!
oh what nowwwwwwww?!? fy turtle's life that's what
#395 - On 06/03/2009 at 1:13pm by Sugar_lipsXo
(0)That turtle just loved the feeling..it must have been COMCASTIC!!! Lmao.
#399 - On 06/03/2009 at 5:06pm by Ttime21921
(0)No FML here. Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things to help your pets.
Besides, this is fake. You wouldn't know when a turtle is turned on.
(0)poor turtle lol :)
you should put another turtle in there ;)
#408 - On 06/03/2009 at 8:53pm by GloomyBear1031
(0)If I was u, and I learned that u had to give a turtle anal to help it's constipation, I woulddrive the turtle 10 miles away and put it in some woods...
#410 - On 06/03/2009 at 10:35pm by AvengedSevenfold
(0)Aren't they supposed to be emotionless and not do anything unless you scare it?
#412 - On 06/03/2009 at 11:04pm by candyxpopcorn
(0)uhm?
wouldn't have it been an FML if he FINALY took a crap in your hand while putting the cream on?
and how do you know he liked it?
#416 - On 06/04/2009 at 2:50am by randomdinosour
(0)how does THIS get to be on FML and mine never do? FML!
maybe YOU liked it... :P
#418 - On 06/04/2009 at 5:00am by glamourful
(0)Hey, I'm going to pretend that you kids aren't saying that this isn't an FML. Wow! This is SO funny ! I love it! It's my effing FAVORITE! Lol. #419, #416, and anyone else who thinks that someone gives a turd about how you feel, suck it because there are people who enjoy this stuff. =)
#422 - On 06/04/2009 at 11:26am by Sweet_child_NOT
(0)Today, I was just sitting there, being a turtle, when my owner picked me up and started rubbing my anus with a wet Q-tip. He thought I liked it and now he wont stop. FML
#423 - On 06/04/2009 at 1:56pm by my_F_N_life_sux
(0)That's pretty funny....but, I don't see the FML here.
#430 - On 06/04/2009 at 10:10pm by painandpeace
(0)That was freakin hilarious. Utterly pointless, but daahhhym your little turtle wants soom coochie! :D That made my day.
(0)How the hell did you tell it liked it!? Was it moaning or something...?
#436 - On 06/05/2009 at 4:44pm by Funny_Face
(0)LOL @ # 437
THIS MADE ME LAUGH JUST BY THE FIRST PART OF THE FIRST SENTENCE.
"Today, I had to rub my turtle's anus with a wet Q-tip" LOL
#438 - On 06/06/2009 at 2:03am by GiannaxRevenge
(0)I'm sure the neighbor who looked out their window at just that moment enjoyed it too.
#439 - On 06/06/2009 at 4:31am by redbluegreen
(0)AHAHAHAH, oh god, that made my day roflrofl.
how would you know? did it start moaning or somethingg?
#445 - On 06/08/2009 at 3:48pm by c3ns0r3dn4m3
(0)AHAHAHAH, oh god, that made my day roflrofl.
how would you know? did it start moaning or somethingg?
#446 - On 06/08/2009 at 3:51pm by c3ns0r3dn4m3
(0)#352, I've never called a box turtle a "land turtle" either. These things have names for a reason, peeps. It's to prevent confusion. XP
#448 - On 06/09/2009 at 2:47pm by Sweet_child_NOT
(0)ha ha ha he probably got a boner but the turtles was probably bigger hahaha
#450 - On 06/10/2009 at 10:42pm by dgafprincess90
(0)ha ha ha ha ha!
LMAO! this is classic shit, right here!
#452 - On 06/14/2009 at 8:14am by silly_kate
(0)haha SO funny woow how did u kno he was constipated? i wouldnt do that 2 my turtle o.O
#456 - On 07/31/2009 at 3:00pm by xxKatieegurlxx
(0)hahaha... but how could u tell if he was getting turned on??? sometimes i wonder...
#464 - On 04/10/2010 at 12:25am by fuckyourlife55
(0)omg 20 did ur grea grand daddy JIZZ in ur mouth?????????????
#471 - On 07/14/2010 at 3:55am by demonolish
