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zachsipes's favorite FMLs
Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML
by chase / 01/24/2013 at 7:54pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 01/23/2013 at 7:17pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML
by birthday_loser / 01/23/2013 at 2:33pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML
by Stickysituation / 01/23/2013 at 1:44pm / United States (New York) / Love
by TheLastSerenade / 01/23/2013 at 3:33am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML
by Female / 01/22/2013 at 6:16pm / Australia (Victoria) / Kids
by sarah6786 / 01/21/2013 at 9:27pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by Keastwood013 / 01/18/2013 at 10:25am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/18/2013 at 5:50am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML
Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML
by Grant / 01/10/2013 at 7:51pm / United States / Kids
by Facepalmum / 01/10/2013 at 1:28am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids
by ugh / 01/08/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids
Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML
by no sleep for me / 01/08/2013 at 2:44am / Miscellaneous
by legitweirdo / 01/07/2013 at 11:16pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I’m on vacation in Peru in the Amazonian forest. I woke up in the middle of the night to the… Today, straight after we had sex, my boyfriend went to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a long… Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because…