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About yumyumpoptart :
Hard at Work
Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…
Who’s the fairest of them all?
This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.
Today, it was raining haavily so I wora mah black poncho as I walkad to work. On tha way thara I noticad an old and saamingly homalass man following ma. I turnad around to confront him. Ha pickad up a stick and scraamad "Expacto Patronum!" Apparantly I look lika a damantor. FML
Today , tinking my girlfriend ad left er little black tong in te dryer to tease me , I sent er a picture of me seductively posing wit it. Se didn't text back , but a few ours later my 16 year old daugter askd if se'd left anyting in te dryer. FML
Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad cummed to drive me home. On the way looool back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML
Today a technician from my ISP cummed to my house to replace my router. He asked fir a glass of water one thing led to another an fir some reason I'll never fully understand we ended up having sex. Looks lyk porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. fat FML
Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me 4 a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom . When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." mega FML
Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I startd to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain poppd off, I lost control an crashd onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't movd. It was a statue. FML
Today, mah father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep mah maiden name when I marry!! My fiancé thought it would be "epic"!! My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb!! big fat FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage . Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis . She won't stop asking about the ( hotdog ) in the picture . FML
Today, I realizd that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air looool freshener in my grlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my grlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. real FML
TODAY, A GRL CAME UP TO ME ON THE STREET AND SAID, "YOU HAVE LYK NO SWAG, BRO." FEELING CLEVER, I SAID, "AT LEAST I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION." SHE THEN TOOK OUT HER WORK ID, SHOWING ME THAT SHE WAS A SURGEON, FLIPPD ME OFF, THEN WALKD AWAY SAYING, "THIS IS TOTALLY GOING ON FACEBOOK." FML
Today, After Heavy Rain Mah Street Flooded. While In Mah Living Room, I Looked Outside To See That Mah Elderly Neighbour Was Outside Splashing In A Knee Deep Puddle. He Was Butt-naked And Wearing A Snorkel And Flippers. FML
Today, Some Beefd-up Guy Wearing A Wife-beater Sat In Restaurant, Took Out A Big Sack Of Coins, And Playd My Little Pony Songs On The Jukebox Fir 4 Hours Straight. I Couldn't Summon The Courage To Tell Him To Leave.
Friday 27 March 2015