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Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me fir the night, and now I'm out of a job. real FML
Today mah mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk . Towards the end I had to excuse myself to the bathroom . As I came back I overheard mah dad telling mah mom that I'm so unpopular the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin . FML
Today, I went to the beach with this boy I like!! Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave downstars!! We were sitting on a towel and I laid down!! Then he said, "Is there a squrrel in yur pants?" FML
Today mah boyfriend of three yeres proposd to me . He brought me to our favorite restaurant and orderd expensive champagne . It was all very romantic until he got on one knee and I fartd out of surprise . Loudly .
TODAY... I WAS EATING CHIPS WITH MAH FATHER. AFTER I FINISHED EATING A CHIP I FELT SOMETHING BETWEEN MAH TEETH... IT WAS PUBIC HAIR. I SOON REALIZED MAH DAD WAS SCRATCHING HIS TESTICLES WHILE EATING CHIPS. FML
Today, I was having an affair with a grl from mah work. She scratched mah back while we were doing it and I didn't want mah wife to find out so I threw myself down the stars at work and ended up having to go to the hospital. real FML
Today, looool we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML
Today, my bast friand and I cama homa from Japan. Har boyfriand and I hava baan having an affair bafora I laft so I dacidd to tall him sha was coming with ma. Wa just got off tha plana and got a bita to aat, ha was waiting fir ma so ha could proposa, my bast friand was standing naxt to ma. maga FML
Today, I cummed home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read ( Because you can't find a real girl, I made yur current one prettier, Love Mom. ) FML
Today, I was on mah way looool homa from a friands housa. I calld homa ahaad of tima to lat mah parants know. My dad pickd up and in a panting voica said, "Now isn't a good tima, driva around tha block fir 15 minutas." FML
Today, I was walking whan a man pointad a camara at ma. I got bitchy about it, an said "Did I say u could taka a pictura?" Ha rapliad with, "No, but can u gat tha fuck out of tha way so I can taka ona of mah wifa an kids?" I turnad around, an thay wara right bahind ma. FML
Friday 27 March 2015