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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Miss
  • Birth Date : Wednesday 1 November 1989 (26 years old)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 37052
  • Number of comments : 109
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 31 posted

About xo_emily_xo : Hi♥I have great FMLs, but as you can tell, they NEVER (!) get published =(

Thanks for checking out my profile♥

xo_emily_xo's page activity

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xo_emily_xo's FML badges

How depressing, no badges acquired at all. :/

xo_emily_xo's favorite FMLs

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

by superfiedman / 08/04/2009 at 4:40am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I have an option on my phone to postpone the sending of my text messages. I thought it would be cute to send my boyfriend texts saying, " I love you and sweet dreams" every night at midnight for a month. He broke up with me and I can't figure out how to stop the texts. FML

by Optimist / 08/04/2009 at 4:26am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

by Ouchithurt / 08/04/2009 at 3:55am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I texted my girlfriend and told her I was mowing my lawn. She responded "it's about time, it keeps getting caught in my teeth!" I was referring to the lawn outside of my house. FML

by jkon / 08/04/2009 at 1:11am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

by just_a_bit_akwRd / 08/04/2009 at 12:15am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

by BeboKhaos / 08/03/2009 at 10:37pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was woken up by a loud noise, which I thought was an earthquake. It sounded like a car had driven right into my living room. Which was exactly what it was. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2009 at 8:25pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

by Stung / 08/03/2009 at 5:57pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

by WearingOff / 08/03/2009 at 1:53pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

by myparentsarehoes / 08/03/2009 at 12:33pm / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Intimacy

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2009 at 10:50am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML

by kmb04 / 08/02/2009 at 11:12am / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

by soembarrassed / 08/02/2009 at 9:40am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2009 at 8:45am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I woke up and called my boyfriend. We had amazing phone sex, even better because no one was home and we didn't have to be quiet. Afterwards, I walk out into the kitchen. My mum hadn't gone to work that morning. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2009 at 7:33am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy