I made this account to be xoj3ss ... but i made a mistake and ended up with xij3ss. FML
Today, I fractured my knuckle at the gym. My girlfriend offered to drive me to Urgent Care. As I threw my gym bag in the car, my keys flew out of the bag's pocket and hit her in the face. I spent the whole afternoon getting dirty looks from nurses because of my broken hand and her black eye. FML
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On 08/14/2009 at 10:26am - love - by Anon (man) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML
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On 06/17/2009 at 12:35pm - misc - by NotSoYoung (man) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML
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On 06/01/2009 at 6:46am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML
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On 05/31/2009 at 6:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML
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On 05/29/2009 at 4:14pm - misc - by dumbo (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML
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On 04/26/2009 at 12:07am - kids - by margretlle (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was hanging out with some disabled people at the day-centre where I work. We had the music blasting and were laughing and dancing around. My boss took me aside and said that it wasn't really appropriate for me to mock the clients by imitating their dancing. That's just how I dance. FML
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On 04/18/2009 at 11:34pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - New Zealand
Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML
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On 04/18/2009 at 1:09am - health - by dumptaker (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML
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On 04/17/2009 at 9:44am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States
Today, I had to perform a lab in front of my bio class. I was mixing chemicals, when someone made a comment saying "What if it blows up?." Hearing it, I gave a 2 minute explanation about how it was impossible for it to explode. Two seconds later, the entire beaker exploded in my face. FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 8:19pm - misc - by biologyfailure. (man) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 8:19pm - misc - by tvaladie (man) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML
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On 04/14/2009 at 1:09pm - misc - by chriss (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML
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On 04/14/2009 at 10:05am - intimacy - by Obee (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML
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On 04/10/2009 at 5:39pm - misc - by yum. - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML
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On 04/10/2009 at 10:07am - work - by Franco (man) - United States
