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How depressing, no badges acquired at all. :/
Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML
Today, I found out why my cat hasn't been coming home for regular meals. Apparently, my elderly next door neighbour has forgotten that her cat is dead and puts food out for it every morning. My cat is exploiting her by impersonating her dead cat to get better food. My cat is an asshole. FML
Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML
Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML
Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML
Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML
Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML
Today, I made microwaveable popcorn. When the bag finished popping, I took it out and opened it and put my face in close to get a big whiff. It now feels like I have third degree burns inside my nose and behind my eyes. FML
Tuesday 22 July 2014