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by b.fritz / 09/24/2016 at 6:02am / United States (Missouri) / Love
by stoolgal / 09/23/2016 at 2:19am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health
Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML
by Anonymous / 09/11/2016 at 1:52am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health
Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML
Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML
by Anonymous / 08/09/2016 at 11:43am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by chewsef / 08/08/2016 at 11:22pm / United States (California) / Money
Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML
by Jay703 / 08/02/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML
by ulrika / 07/23/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML
by dumped and dusted / 07/13/2016 at 1:35pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/08/2016 at 9:13pm / Transportation
Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML