About vespergreen : I got to stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you.
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vespergreen's favorite FMLs
Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML
by Zekrome / 05/05/2014 at 3:53am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML
by Anonymous / 05/04/2014 at 5:07pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Work
by Sam / 05/04/2014 at 2:12am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
by shylahrc / 05/03/2014 at 7:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML
by EggHead / 05/03/2014 at 12:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML
by wondercat40 / 04/24/2014 at 5:19pm / United States (Indiana) / Love
by tothebaneofkings / 04/23/2014 at 12:20am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I've been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the east coast who are trying to return their shoes. They want to speak to my supervisor because I "don't sound professional enough." FML
by orangemango / 04/22/2014 at 2:18am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous
Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML
by banana_tree / 04/21/2014 at 5:26pm / United Kingdom / Work
by sexual parrot / 04/21/2014 at 2:42pm / Intimacy
by HeyTherexxx / 04/20/2014 at 9:02pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Not-pregnant / 04/20/2014 at 1:21pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/20/2014 at 12:03am / United States (Idaho) / Animals
Today, after living in my apartment for nearly a year, I heard my neighbor having a violent toilet session. Now I realize he's always been able to hear the wrath of my bowels too. We wave at each other every day. FML
by toilet_trouble / 04/19/2014 at 3:44am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/18/2014 at 9:19pm / Norway (Nordland) / Work
- Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can… Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room,… Today, my girlfriend found my list of women I've had sex with, complete with the ratings I'd given…